Saturday, August 30, 2008

dangit



Dangit! She did it again! For the hundredth time, she got on the computer without asking, despite our consistent directives to get permission first. I can't trust her! I want to, but I don't know how. We do not know how to discipline this one and get the results we're looking for--simple obedience. Even Ryan piped up once and said, "She seems hard to discipline because she adjusts so well. She just finds a way to make things work."

AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

She isn't pleased with herself either. She said, "I don't want to be like this!" between sobs on my shoulder. I barely understood her. I wanted to stay silent. I wanted her to hurt if that would produce permanent change. But in that moment, I saw myself in her, a self desperate for forgiveness and mercy, for the smallest offer of kindness. I had to give it. There was no other option. "I have to forgive you--but you need to know that I've lost respect for you." Her choked reply was, "I know..."

This is not the way it's supposed to be. It's supposed to be so much happier, isn't it? Two big brothers off at college, an only child at home, the center of her parents' attention. She knows she's 'got it good.' But here she is, living wrongly, much to her dismay and chagrin, and right in front of me so that I can't help but continue to deal with the 'me' that so bogs up the abundant life that seems juuust beyond my grasp. (I know this started out about her, but honestly, isn't this where most everything ends up that matters to us--with 'me'...?)

Lord, help my baby. She's sick of her 'self.' She doesn't know how to overcome. And so help me, she's an ongoing reminder of that struggle I endure, whether I like it or not.

Do You lose respect for me when I fail?
Do You hesitate, even ever so slightly, to offer the forgiveness I desire and don't deserve when I'm stupid?
Is this going somewhere Good, this struggle with stubborn, prideful self-will?
Are we Your most trying children...?

I know the answers to these questions in my deeps. Somehow I still ask them though. And always You sweep them off the desk with Your arm and empty the space they take up, replacing doubt with Your own lovely assurance: Then I [Wisdom] was beside Him as a master and director of the work; and I was daily His delight, rejoicing before Him always (Proverbs 8:30 Amp).

We need some major HUG. We're all cried out for now. She knows I love her. She's subdued, but she kisses my shoulder here and there across the hours like a butterfly lighting on nectar. I lean my head against hers, acknowledging her presence and giving silent assent to her apology. I no longer want her to suffer. I just want her to learn once and for all and be done with it. The big question though is, do I ultimately want that for her................. or for me?

5 comments:

Power Up Love said...

Nice blog. Wonderful looking family! Sometimes we forget the things we put our parents through. The phone of yesterday is somewhat the equivalent of the computer today. Do you ever remember someone asking you to get off the phone? I do. Now I find myself asking my son to get off the computer. This makes me come to the conculsion that we don't change, only the technology does.

I invite you to visit www.PowerUpLove.com a community of real people sharing real stories about how Love has really impacted and changed their lives. Be Blessed! Be very Blessed...

My Life as a MOM said...

This one hurts. I can only empathize. I loathe lying. It is anathema to honest relationship. Know that I'm praying.

Unknown said...

Deceit is a hard thing to turn off. I'm sure you're praying the Word over her as you deal with this and come against the ways of the world and the attempts of the enemy to win her over. Hang in there, sister.

hollylolly said...

Yes, this is unpleasant. Like Michaela said though, I'm sure you're praying. That is our surest armor and the best offense. Stay there.

Unknown said...

You ask questions. God has answers. You have problems. God has solutions. You have struggle. God has peace. You're a really good writer. Write your heart to Him. He listens.