Thursday, October 22, 2009

so Other

I want stability. You want my growth.
I want comfortableness. You empower me to stretch.
I want safety. You offer goodness.
I fear everything. You've conquered ALL.
I'm content with lukewarm. You want passion.
I don't know anything. You give the mind of Christ.
I wait for You to pull. You wait for me to step.
I've tried to do it alone.You never meant for me to.
I lean toward feelings. You supply perfect balance.
I think of the worst. You allow only the best.
I want shortcuts. You are the Way.
Help my unbelief. You are the Truth.

Friday, October 09, 2009

filial wretching

I'm so weary of being the more mature one in this relationship when my parents are supposed to be......... My mom, of all people, is the one who's the more mature, and my dad is the one I want to toss into a recycle bin and start all over with!

He's been pitching hissy fits whenever we've forgotten to call to say we're home safely or WHATEVER. Doesn't matter, he calls and lets us know in no uncertain terms that he is NOT okay with us not having contacted them in one way or another to fill them in on whatever.......

Bbblllllleeeeeeccccchhhhhhhhh............... I just want to retch right now.

No one reads this, so I feel pretty safe in putting out here that I have RE-acted in a patient way toward this man, and I believe it will not get any better in the near future just because I've apologized. Again and again. He's old and cemented and thinks he's always right. What do you do with that...? What in the world do I do now?!

Friday, October 02, 2009


Jylle wrote a song for me for my birthday! She was so excited--she ran downstairs and said, "I finished this song. You have to come and listen!" She fairly dragged me by the hand to her room, where she plopped down on a chair and started into it. It wasn't until I heard the name "Didier's" that the thought dawned on me that this song was about me. Like, for me. I totally interrupted, blurting out, "Is this song for ME?" She didn't miss a beat (literally), just kept singing and nodded her head 'Yes.' Tears flooded my entire face. Felt like it anyway.

Wish I could post the song here, but at least I can show the lyrics.


You could understand me when no one else could
You would stand beside me when no else would
You, you are mine

Drama filled my life when I was only thirteen
You were there to show me how to keep my heart clean
You, you are mine

Rainy days would come and I would ask to hold you
You were there to give me something to hold onto
You, you are mine

All those trips to Didier's we took on Tuesdays
They'll stay in my heart forever and always
You, you are mine

I don't care what they say, I'll always love you
I'll never forget all the funny things we do
You, you are mine

Hate to break it to you, but I've gotta leave sometime
Don't worry about it though, I'll be back in no time
You, you are mine

Start looking different at the start of September
Miles separate us, but just remember
You, you are mine

As I'm growing older, I hope just maybe
I could be a fraction of you, pretty lady
You, you are mine

You, you are mine.

Lord, thank You from the bottom of my gnarly little heart
for this precious gift.
And for the song, too. xoxo

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Musings on Aging and Changing (and Not)

Kev is 50 now. I'm going to be 49 in three days. This is way past middle age already. I remember when I was 38, thinking THIS is the midpoint of my life. To live much more beyond 76 is not something look forward to doing. But when I look at our parents, all I can think is how I would HATE for them to be gone! It's hard enough not having Kev's dad anymore.

My dad is 79, kev's mom just turned 79, and my mom is 71. It happens much slower and much less frequently, but I still have moments like I do with my children when I think How did this happen? how did they get to be this age already?

More and more I am convinced that we do not have the tools that would make it possible for us to love our parents as much as we love our children. As the child, there is much gratitude and guilt tied in with the love. As the parent, there is that unconditional love and abiding desire for their best, as well as the will to protect them as much as we possibly can. All too similar are both loves as they relate to my spiritual life.

Perhaps it is just this particular time in my life, but the gratitude and guilt part are nailhead
accurate. How can You stand by and watch me choose poison instead of nectar? How is it that You continue to pour mountains of spices on my already wealthy life? I fear the dropping of the other shoe, the last straw that will cause shouting from the rooftops of all I am guilty of and must answer for.

I am less of a pleasure junkie than I am just wanting not to feel much of anything. I don't seek out great highs and am not fighting great lows. I just simply don't want most of life to make me feel anything but okay. Perhaps "calm" is the best description. I want everything to feel all right, that there's nothing wrong or of great concern on any front.

Not much of a warrior, am I? Sounds like the enemy would be quite pleased with himself. Disengaged, self-absorbed, working for the status quo, I go about these days neither challenged nor challenging to anyone else. Lukewarm. Eeeyuck.

I'm looking for change around the corner though. There is a plan in the works that I know not of, one that will vault me out of this grave and back into the fray. I am made for Life, and Life is the business He is about even now as I consider this. And suddenly I realize that great highs are not so bad after all. It is the fear of descent that lurks and haunts, but fear is nothing to Him Who holds my heart and soul and Whose mind I possess. THESE are the truths I must choose to dwell on. The conversations I have with myself are as important to my mental discipline as drinking in the truth in His word. They carve and sculpt that landscape as surely as my experiences.

Hope. Hope is what I long for, and Hope is what I need. Fortunately for me, Hope is Who I have.