mentalpause

Re-entry is almost always a little tricky, and this is no exception. It's not like I didn't have enough time because I had plenty. It's not like I wanted to stay or even that I'd turn around and go right back if I could. The only thing that comes close to nailing it is how you seem to grow another heart the day you have a baby. It's like that heart belongs entirely to that child, and he can be anywhere in the world--Madrid, Texas, or downstairs in his room--but inside that heart that resides in your core, an essential part of you is somehow righthere with him. I had a connection intellectually with Israel before, but now it's grown arms and legs and skin and hair and blood. I've had a small taste of His longing over, protection of, and passionate history with the people of this place, and something inside me has changed.

I never wanted to be one of those people who constantly makes references to the exotic place she's just visited. That gets old f-a-s-t. Chances are however, that I'm probably more like the things I'd rather not be, so I hope you'll give me grace and maybe a gentle nudge if I lapse into that behavior. You'll know that even though I'm right there in your living room or commenting away online, there's a wadge of me away across the sea...

Deuteronomy 7:6-9

a sad intermission

There was a tiny baby bird that lay dead in the road on my walk today. I felt sad after spotting it. No idea how it ended up in the road since there weren't any overhanging tree branches. Strong winds could've blasted it out of its nest and into the road yesterday I guess. I took two sticks, tried to look at it only peripherally because I didn't want to see its dead face, and hoisted it into the bushes. I just couldn't stand the idea of it getting run over by a car. It just didn't sit well. This seemed a reasonable option. Ending up dust to dust or even being a meal for another critter was a better option than getting run over.

On a brighter note, I'm jogging more than half my walk now, so somewhere around 2 miles. That's happy-making!

USAFA GRADUATION!!!

It was a rush of activity, but all of it so amazing and wonderful. We were SO happy to have my folks and Kev's mom there. The presence of the Lord was so obvious and almost tangible the whole time. It was a tremendous gift to all of us.

We stayed the night in a Sheridan (WY) hotel on the way there, and it was a great experience. If you ever need a hotel there, we highly recommend the Wyndham. It had everything we needed, it was clean and attractive, and the service was excellent. I made a big loud point of asking Kev to make reservations this trip because I'm sick to death of pulling into a town at 11:30 p.m. and pouring everyone into bed in either a dive, or a hundred-dollar six-hour stay. He outdid himself!

My folks went in their RV and Ryan went with them to share the driving with my dad. They left on Fri, we left on Sat, and we both arrived Sun afternoon. Brett had already had a bunch of his stuff sent to Sheppard, and the rest he stuffed in his car or moved to his host family's house.

The weather for the parades both Mon and Tue was so cold! We brought blankets and stadium seats, and Ryan and Jylle huddled under them for a while trying to gather some warmth. I have never seen my father shake from cold before. He was cold to the very core, but so obviously glad to be there. I was thrilled that he could enjoy being there. (My mom just finished radiation treatments the 13th of May, and she was still weak and in pain, so she didn't attend anything until Tue night. My dad of course stayed with her, but Mom and I both urged him to come to the parade since it wouldn't be long.) I didn't even think to ask him until we were on our way to the base, and I'm SO glad it all worked out.

The swearing-in ceremony on Tue night was so impressive! We loved it! It was just our squadron, so it was the most intimate gathering. The cadets sat with their families until the last 15 min when they got up to make room for guests. It was a formal event, so it was lovely to see everyone dressed so nicely. The cadets wore their tux uniforms. One at a time, each cadet stood by the American flag, raised the right hand, and repeated the oath of office read to them by an officer of his/her choosing. After that, someone (usually a family member or significant other) changed the shoulder boards on the uniform. Having my dad change out Brett's was powerfully meaningful, poignant, and memorable. I loved seeing all the different people the cadets chose to do that particular thing.

The only dim spot in the whole weekend was when Kev's mom fell when we got back to the car. It was dark, and there was a curb, and she didn't have reliable shoes on, so when she went down, it was a scary shock. She broke her hip and shattered her wrist seven years ago falling like that. But she recovered nicely and ended up with a baseball sized bruise on her shoulder.

Finally, Wednesday arrived, and here it was the big day. Graduation Day was the perfect temperature--sunny and breezy! Thank You, LORD! God was generous and gracious! The cadets marched into their rows in perfect precision, and the band blared something that was probably its equal to Pomp and Circumstance. The most obvious difference in their uniforms is the golden sash around their waist. It's striking, and at least to me, yet another symbol of accomplishment, pride, and patriotism. They all looked smashing! Seated at last, the speeches began.

Joe Biden's speech was actually a pleasant surprise. He poked fun at Obama this one time after mentioning how windy it was as he implied the potential for something to happen to the equipment. "What will he say if I tell him his teleprompter is broken?" That brought both laughter and applause--and a new appreciation for Biden that I never thought I'd have!

We stayed in Brigham City on the way back since Dad wanted to take a flatter route home to ease the burden on his transmission. There was one time when "82" kept going through his mind. They needed gas, so he turned off on exit 82 in LaGrande. He kept driving into town looking for cheaper gas but finally stopped at a 76 station when they couldn't find anything less. When he went to refill the transmission fluid, he found that it'd been leaking and was almost dry. A mechanic from the repair shop right next door saw what was going on and came over with this very specific tool for the job that made it so much easier! A total God-thing! Dad said if he hadn't stopped there, they'd probably have gotten stranded somewhere along the interstate. Eeeyuck.

I drove the last four hours home, and it was fun when Jylle and I were up front and wondered aloud about all the plans we might possibly make if we actually do get to go to SoCal together as her senior present. The Pacific Coast Highway and then all the way to San Diego, baby! We're all talk, but it was fun to brainstorm and dream...

When we pulled up to the house, we were so surprised by how much everything had grown! The lilacs were in full bloom, the grass needed mowing big time, and the plants on the rock wall were full and round. My doggies were wagging their butts off, whining and "doggie smiling" if you can picture that. I do love my doggies...

Brett came home for almost 48 hours the following Mon and is in Kenya now for 2 weeks, teaching and helping out at a school in Nairobi with another Christian friend, a fellow graduate. He'll fly to Europe after that and then to WA early in July. Kev and I will be getting back Israel shortly after that, and we'll all meet up at his mom's for a family reunion in Seattle and a trip to visit Kev's aunt in Victoria, Canada. Brett plans on seeing as many people as he possibly can before he leaves for Sheppard, as well as go camping, rock climbing, and boating as much as possible. I'm praying for good weather for it all!

Sooooo, it's over--the Academy experience, graduation, and all the concerns that accompanied that for me as a mom. Of course there are brand new concerns now that he'll be in pilot training at a base known for raising up fighter pilots, but I won't future trip, just take it as it comes. I'm already trying not to anticipate how much I'll miss him now that training makes it almost impossible to come home for anything but Christmas. Even then, I'm not quite sure...... One day a a time, Lord, right? One day at a time. Thank You for just one glorious day at a time.

We're going to Israel!

When Andy, our youth pastor, announced at youth group in March that he's taking a group to Israel the end of June, my heart lurched. That is the one place on the globe I have always had a desire to visit (well, that and the Philippines again). When I heard the cost, reality slapped me silly. But I never lost hope. I would pray, "Lord, You know what has to be done here. There's the money, and there's getting past Kev. And I think Kev is the bigger obstacle here."

A person would drop out here or there, and people would rise up to take their places. There was never any angst or restlessness or impatience. Just always an abiding sense of "If this were to happen for me, it would be so great."

On Mother's Day, after my traditional, beautiful, kid-prepared breakfast, Kev leaned on the bed and asked, "How would you like to go to Israel?" I asked, "How?" I knew a spot was open, and that the cost went down from $2500 to $2100 because of the fundraising that had gone on, but still--that's almost no change at all. He said, "A spot has opened up, and the price is down to $1700 now." One incredible boy donated some of his over-and-above funds so that I could go! Kev had been on the phone for the last two weeks working on seeing how I could go! Bigger obstacle, my eye! I knew this was the 20th seat, the minimum number needed pricewise overall. But I also knew of a 21st seat that Kev knew nothing about. Ryan and Jylle were in the room too, and one of them asked, "Why don't you go too?" I rushed in and told him about that last seat, "It could be for our 25th! We never did anything for it!" You could see the wheels turning as he slowly smiled, considering, and said, "That'd be pretty cool..."

When I was young, I would play this game with God. I called it "Go Ahead and Try." (He is so indulgent to engage us on any level!) It's impossible to outgive God, and this probably sounds loopy, but I found it fun to try. I would call Game On and then venture into some new way of giving, whether it was money, time, or effort. I would envision all the myriad ways He could outgive me, knowing that He never, ever came through in any of those ways. Eventually, He'd execute some coup de grace, and I'd know it was Game Over, and it was always so delightful to see how He came through because it was always a complete surprise, ridiculously clever, and utterly sweet!

In February, I started the game again. Every week, I would give all my coins to the SS offering, no matter how much or how little. I know it's not much, but it's something. If I missed church, I'd just let it add up, and I'd empty it all the next week. Until then, collecting my change was something that would render about $100/year, which I always enjoyed either spending or adding to my savings (I'm always saving toward one thing or another). It dawned on me the day after Kev presented the Israel trip to me that He'd done it again!This is My gift to you. Game over.

Maybe it's an STP thing, but it didn't fully hit me until Sunday that this is really going down. Kev and I are going to Israel! He's so fun too because he says this at some point every day now, "I can't believe we're going to Israel!"

Me too, but WE'RE GOING TO ISRAEL!!!

USAFA Graduation at Hand!

Only 10 more days until Brett graduates! Incredible!

Seems like just a year+ ago that I was an emotional pile from having dropped him off and thrown him to the wolves...

My folks will leave on Friday in their motor home with Ryan in tow so that he can share the driving with Dad. The three of us will leave on Saturday and just meet up all together in Colorado Springs.

We have shopping to do in the meantime though since whatever we attend requires dress clothes. I can't believe how okay my Kevin is with all the expenditure--not one word of bemoaning or shade of complaint. But then, he's good at forecasting, so he probably thought all about it already and was braced for this four years ago! He and Ryan need dress slacks, shirts, and ties, and Jylle and I need cocktail dresses, of all things, in addition to sun hats. They don't allow umbrellas, so I'm looking for a proper sun hat, whatever that is. Can't help but picture "Kentucky Derby." Where do I buy a classy sun hat?!

Sooooo thankful for having lost a little weight so I can fit into some of the pre-heavier clothes I'll be packing now. Less expense, and I just plain feel better. Not being able to taste or smell anything in two weeks has been harder than I thought it might be, but it's like a fast--whenever I feel like complaining, I pray instead, and truly, truly, I have mountains of blessings to thank Him for. Still wondering when the ban will be lifted (I see it as a divine discipline), but without panic or anger. Again, see?--so much to be thankful for!

Buying snacks and planning a couple of lunches are still on the agenda. Working the two days before we leave wasn't smart on my part, but it's an easy gig, and I knew we could use to the money for our big trip next month. Honestly though, whatever we forget or don't have, we can just get down there, right?

Off to try on more clothes. Just wanted to dash off a note while I had time. Kev and Ryan are out horseback riding, and they'll need dinner soon.

swine, schmine

Wouldn't that be a bit o'news if I DID happen to have swine flu? No documented cases in this state, and yet somehow, never-gets-sick, hardly gets-out, mostly stays-at-home me gets the disease of the year?! Kev keeps reading these little tidbits on it in emails, the news, school flyers, and he always says something like, "Yeah, Cyn, you're right here. You've had all of that." My standard reply is "Tell me how that's any different from regular flu," and there's just a shoulder shrug in response.

The media and the WHO have completely blown this out of proportion--but nobody asks me. Pandemic?! Seriously?! Are they that bored?!

Now, I do NOT believe I have anything more than a standard case of flu-turned-sore throat-turned-hacking cough, but if I did have to have something exotic and related to a pandemic, this is a pretty good one. One consideration of ebola, and I am all over the swine option. Excuse me, the H1N1.

Packed for 2009

Three weeks ago I planted a bunch of vegetable seeds. Being the impatient gardener, I opted to use the seeds I had instead of waiting for the ones that were coming in the mail or buying some new packets in town. Psshaw, old seeds will do fine. I'll just give them some extra water. And horsie poop. Got it covered.

NONE of the beans came up. NONE of the radishes either or the carrots or the cucumbers. Seven snow pea plants sprouted out of about 40. The lettuce, spinach, and Swiss chard seeds were only from last year, so they came up pretty well. I'm hoping that doesn't fuel the inner voice of impatience that wants to say, "See, it was mostly fine!"

I reseeded the peas yesterday with the seeds that came just a few days after the initial planting, but I lost three weeks' time because I chose not to wait for the good stuff. Phooey.

Makes me wonder how often I sell out for the "right now" instead of the eventual best.

new superpower

Sometimes a certain truth will become crystal clear to me. The revelation bursts into being without warning, and I am a comet of joy. Recently I've sensed that I am to keep these things for myself, to ponder them in my heart and not "hurry up and go write them down before I forget them." Immediately I obeyed, immediately came the revelation. Doesn't always work that way, but that's how it went down this time.

I have a couple of friends who are experts at getting me to say things I had no intention of sharing. I think one of the reasons might be that I trust their heart toward me. But another reason is that I hate to disappoint people. That usually doesn't work for me in the end.

Discernment is something We've been working on for most of my adult life. To speak or not to speak. To whom or not to whom. I'm thinking this new Nearness will be the Gift of a lifetime.

...or something like that

Seems like there should be a word specifically for someone who's more than a friend and more like a sister. I have several of these women in my life, and "friend" just doesn't cut it. One does prefer to call me "Sis," which pitches people into mental fits trying to see how we could truly be sisters when she insists on declaring that we really are--same mother, same father, what's the problem.

Sister-friend? Sounds too much like those extreme Mormons.
Friendster? Sounds like a facebook app.
Soeur-ami? (French.) Sounds like "sore at me"--way off base.
Sorella-amico? (Italian.) Kind of like a quick stop.

I tried Google Translate for "sister of the heart" in Spanish, French, and Italian, but it was all too complicated. I'm looking for something sweet, simple, and accurate. I know the word exists somewhere. Even if it's just in heaven. I'll know it someday. And it'll be perfect.

I'm Worried About You

Mom, you are so filled with worry and concern over Dad's health when yours is the one that's deteriorating. You don't tell him some of your pains because you don't want his blood pressure to keep rising, but that only adds to the fire of your Gehenna that lit you into the fiery place you are now. An adult lifetime spent nurturing worry, frustration, offenses, and raw deals results in the less than mediocre health you now have. All my life I've heard Dad urge you to let things go, to give them to the Lord and let Him keep them. I don't think you know how. You tell me that you trust Him, but that worry is something you do when you love someone. Not because you love them, but something that results out of the very great love and concern you have for that person's well-being.

My sweet, sweet mom....... that's not how it works. When you place your trust in your Heavenly Father, it's a whole different ballgame. He is not even just the best promise keeper you can imagine; He IS the promise. He IS the keeper. He IS the vault and the heart and the brain that keep the thing you're so afraid of and do with it whatever His deep love knows to do. If we polled the entire family and asked What is the one thing you wish she could have?, I believe the unanimous vote would be Trust in God. To not handle absolutely everything in your own strength--doesn't that sound divine?! To be relieved of the tremendous burden of this thing we call life can be found on this earth. Your think your desire for heaven will be met when you finally take your own life, which you've held as an option ever since Apo opened it up for you, but that's twisted, evil thinking that you say you can't help when you get enraged. But isn't that what wife beaters and child abusers say is that they can't help it...? There IS help. The enemy wants you to believe that you can't help it because then you believe there's no other option but to go there. The enemy takes a bit of truth and then contorts it so that it becomes a miscarried embryo passing itself off as the real thing. Mom, don't settle for less than GOD's Truth. Seek His heart and compare what you believe to His Word and see for your own self what's true and what's not. You'll see with the eyes of your soul that what's not is meant to kill, steal, and destroy. Implicit trust in the Almighty God I know you love is our surest, most thorough and complete fortress.

I love you, Mom. I wish you Trust. I wish you Peace. I wish you Joy. I wish you Jesus, because then I've wished you Everything.