This is my 2-day anniversary.
Had a hard day on Tue. Struggled and strained and prayed off & on all day. Didn’t want to talk, which probably made it no fun for Kev when we all went to town, but I just didn’t want to talk. Everything I was thinking about and feeling all made me feel bad, and to voice it out loud and hash it out made me want to throw up. So I just kept quiet and mulled things over myself. Sometimes I wouldn’t be thinking of anything, just sort of a brown-out in my brain. By the time evening came, I was ready to go to bed by 10, and with NO sleep aid.
Found out from Joan yesterday that Tue. was a high holy day for Muslims. Her own kids had a real hard day. She herself woke up feeling an oppression and couldn’t figure out why she was so depressed, so concerned, and couldn’t shake the oppression in the air. She & Mike had a big, long talk about things, but she said she must’ve prayed 100 times that day. When she told me this, it was like a personal arrow with a message to my heart. Not only had I come through that day with NO anesthetic, but Kev & I had no fights, none of us were at each other’s throats… y’know, some of the typical stuff that happens on a full moon. My God is ALL-POWERFUL!!! The enemies of our souls at work like a Superbowl event to uproot, confuse, disengage, apathize (my word), and otherwise wimp out, wipe out, and whack out the beloved of the God of Jesus. And to no avail!!! HALLELUJAH!!! Thank You, Jesus!!! Praise You, Abba Father!!!
Today I am still not the happy girl I was five years ago, but that’s all right because I know I don’t belong here. This place is not my home. But I belong to One whose Power and Love are not only bigger than the devil’s greatest plans, but small enough to touch my heart in a personal and tender way. He speaks to me in my love language and bends like a gentle giant to love on me right where I am.
I might be discouraged about my health, but there are better things to dwell on now. Psalm 37:4 – “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” The New Century Version says, “Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you what you want.”
Daddy, I want You. I want to know You and the power of Your resurrection—and as You will it and supply the grace to endure it—the fellowship of Your sufferings.
I am melancholy most of the time. Please direct my thoughts to someone other than ME. I am mindful that You will ask me one day, “Did you love the ones I gave you?” And I so want to be able to answer, “Yes. You helped me and reminded me and gave me the tools and the grace, so yes, I loved the ones you gave me.”
I think of Anita, who has no regrets looking back on raising her kids. She gave everything and determined to do her best with the ones you gave her.
I think of Sandy & Dan who were just graduating their third and last child from high school last year when You asked them to adopt two 5 & 6 yr old sisters. They said Yes.
I think of Joan who has the thorn of diabetes and is the victim of an unhealthy weight because of it. You asked her to love the ones You put in her path, and Lord, I have seen her do that with such embrace & experienced it from her that I am never mindful of her weight when I’m with her, but instead I enjoy the fragrance of Christ and the grace of being seen for who I will be and not what I am right now.
I think of my Ya-Yas who have been there for me these past 6 or 7 years--I can’t even remember. They’ve seen me at my worst, hoped for my best, lavished me with all their various kindnesses, and refused to let any of us resign as Ya-Yas.
Lord, thank You for Your faithful ones. They provide inspiration and example for me and who knows how many others...
Come to think of it, as I come to know the likes and dislikes of my closest friends, I consider that if they don’t like, say, a lack of eagerness in Christians to tell others about the Gospel, then since I’m that way, they don’t like that about me, and I am diminished in their eyes. That makes me want to hold back, to keep quiet about who I really am because they already don’t like that about me so I try not to give them anything more.
See how much I NEED You to direct my thoughts to someone besides ME?!
This study we’re doing on Inside Out encourages us to step out of that sin of self-protection and enter into the risk that You have allowed to come to us, for the purpose of exchanging real Life, something he calls Soul Talk. I know Cheryl is the biggest cheerleader of this study. She not only yearns for our time of being together, but the material itself is of such import because it is the message You were trying to speak to her those eight or so years ago (but she ran in fear). Lord, remind me to enter into the risk of what You allow, to be inspired by her return to you. XO