Monday, October 23, 2006

my Uncle Al

I gathered the letters I’d saved from Uncle Al and put them in chronological order, then tied a green ribbon around them and set them on the raised counter. Pity that the earliest one I have is from 2000, unless there are others in places yet unknown or unremembered. The last is postmarked May. I must not have saved the rest. It’s only in hindsight that I realize how I might have saved them and been comforted and cheered by his words and warmth toward us. But it’s too late. I would’ve loved to have spoken to him one last time, tell him how much I love him and am grateful for his unconditional love for us, to have seen him one last time and gotten one of those enormous hugs. Kev wanted to call him on his birthday, but I didn’t want to. What a fool! Kev doesn’t insist on things like that unless there’s some good reason, a reason he probably didn’t want to share with me at the time and maybe didn’t even recognize.

Too late—two of the saddest words ever put together… Lord, I’ve wasted so much time, left great voids of zero and worthlessness in my path. Help me to love the simple things in life like Uncle Al did and to treasure family and friends and the time You grant us here. He wouldn’t want me to kick myself this way. He’d want me to say a kind word to someone, hug my kids, hold hands with Kev, to be happy and thankful. And perhaps think of him sometime in the warming colors of a fall aspen, cherish family and friends, and to raise a glass to Life…

Lord, my God, thank You for my Uncle Al. He always remembered our birthdays, our anniversary, all the holidays. He sent us real Wisconsin cheese on a regular basis. It was more than the cheese that I loved. It was the tremendous love & joy behind it. Thank You for his life, for his love for us, his love of laughter, and his zest for the simple things in life. Thank You for his consistent encouragement and the power of his generosity and thoughtfulness.

Wow, I couldn’t go on. Had a little unscheduled meltdown right there… The sound of my own sobs even sound unreal.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Day to myself

Day to myself, yea! Water guys just left. Kev keeps calling. I don’t like that, but it’s opportunity to die, right? Make me LIVE, Daddy, really LIVE. I don’t give You the chance to rise up and be LIFE. I manage life all by myself. It’s a barren, lifeless existence, but I stay there, supering my own days. When will I get sick enough of it all to change? The speaker at the youth conference Ryan went to said that sacrifice is giving up something in order to get a reward of greater value later and that you need to get to a point of desperation before you’re willing to sacrifice. Desperation is a pretty scary place to think of going. I keep asking for tenderness from You and to keep things just between You&me. That’s not such a desperate-sounding place.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

What are you doing today?

  • Q. What are you doing today?
  1. I am:
    • capitalizing on the leisure of this day.

o contemplating the sanctuary of that place of Him&me.

o examining my blessings.

o considering how I can bless someone else today.

o wondering at His love for me.

o asking Him to bring me to Life and to see His holiness. I want to be better than I am today. WAY better. But that’s another thread…

o listening to my new Bebo Norman cd.

o waiting for the phone calls & cards that will come (Bettie Boo…?)

o thanking Him for truly wonder-full family & friends.

o learning how to operate my new digital camera.

o rereading my birthday cards.

o reflecting on Kev's love & devotion as similar to my Abba’s.

o wishing him a very good day.

o wanting our water situation and NOW dryer fixed.

o praying for the ones He brings to mind.

o trying not to think of myself selfishly, to live in humility.

o thinking of Paula as she undergoes back surgery & remembering that today is her birthday as well.

o drinking in the faces of my children in their pictures on the stair wall, one current, one when they were little.

o enjoying the quiet, the view, the freedom.

o eager for the thing that will move me into the lane where I am journeying rightly rather than the wrongly way of now.

o letting the dogs come in the house just because.

o playing the good tapes in my mind.

o eating & drinking what sounds good (e.g., chicken salad & a vanilla latté with caramel sauce).

o puzzling over my obstinacy & dull vision.

o psyching up for work tomorrow, followed by 2 days of watching li’l Josiah.

o watching expectantly for God-hugs.

o trusting Kathy’s vacation this week is both fabulous & relaxing

o having fun with fonts by inventing names of businesses with fonts that reflect that industry, in the in between time as I compose this.

o wondering if Tina will call so I can read her this list because for once, I am ready for this question.