The Longing

Life is exactly the same as it was yesterday, with the exception of the truth that resonates in these lyrics from the song by Daniel Bedingfield. They fly around in my heart and stir up the longing. I think I’ll capitalize that from now on because it has taken on a life of its own. The Longing. Yes, that fits.

If you’re not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one, then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine, then why does your heart return my call?

I hear the words. I hear The Longing. I hear it with piercing amplification. I feel the almost electric stabs. The echo reaches the nether parts of my soul. Sometimes it launches me into an emotional tirade. Other times I swither into a depression that tears do nothing to relieve. This is a creature of a completely Other nature.

Lord God, YOU did this. You started this, and I have no idea where it’ll end up, but I hope with every frayed fiber of my heart that I don’t screw it up. Maybe You could make things a little clearer to me about this whole thing. It must stay pure. I don’t want to go where You’re not calling me from, beckoning, encouraging, nudging. Can you dust off my ears and sharpen my senses? What would You have me do with this?

What would satisfaction look like in this? Would something precious now have to be sacrificed in order to complete this Longing? There’s a thought… I’ll take my present circumstances if it means being spared crushing pain. I’m not willing to hear that You will take one of my precious ones. No devastation. Yeah, the more I think about it, the more certain I am that You know what You’re doing. And that I am willing to be made willing to trust You in this. You have always been the perfect and tender keeper of my heart. I choose not to leave that Trust. Today. Guess for now, that’s the best I can do.

XO †