Vita Nova (New Life)

I'm in a good place. I haven't been in a good place for a long, long time. I've been in a decent place, a proper place, a reasonable, survival, rebellious, confused, or waiting place, so this is good.

The difference, of course, is where I am spiritually. The enemy can connive and manipulate and deceive like nobody's business, and I am quick to justify. Until now, I have been misled, God has been maligned, and I have been bewitched. The burden of personal responsibility for my sanctification was grossly misrepresented. "Stagnation in spiritual life comes when we say we will bear the whole thing ourselves" (Oswald Chambers).

It is unfortunate that desperation is a necessary condition for motivating me. Up to my eyeballs in self-centered, self-absorbed pride (for that is what doing my own thing is), I came to the end of my natural self. I do believe I have attended my own white funeral. That is the difference.

For years now I have kept back the one thing that delineates a follower from a disciple--my right to self. Oh, it was there in the beginning. I am Yours, Lord. Have Your way. Use me up. Then life happened, and I got tangled up in the razor wire of complacency and comfort. I began to grow invisible. While I was doing no obvious damage to the Kingdom, I was not building into it either. "Whoever isn't with me is against me. Whoever doesn't gather with me scatters" (Luke 11:23). The enemy is far more powerful and clever than I can handle on my own, and it was folly to deceive myself into thinking that while I was in the camp of doing my own thing, I would be safe. O, little lamb, you are not only weak and foolish, you are in mortal danger!

I don't believe it would've taken so long to come to this place if I hadn't added one particular exemption to my earnest request for deliverance from my self. I would pray, " Lord, make me desperate for You. Bring me to that place where I want You more than a drowning man wants air. But please don't let it cost me anyone dear." Always, I would ask for the whole enchilada and to have it as cheaply as possible. The banged-up, chipping, tawdry, plastic baubles I'd clung to and enjoyed privately seemed too precious to exchange for only a promise of real diamonds and pearls. Maybe later, I would say. I'm just not ready yet.

The thrill of overcoming temptation-that-had-become-habit the first time was exhilarating and encouraging. It's what inspired me to do it again a second time. On the brink of another setback, He asked me, "What is something you would just love?" I thought, and remembered that going to Israel is the one thing I'd wanted all my adult life--and I'd done that. The only thing I'd love is go back and do it again. I heard Him in my spirit say, "Let's go on an Adventure. I'll take you to Israel."

I'm all over the spiritual connotations of that! Israel, the apple of God's eye. Israel--God's people--the bride of Christ. Israel, occupied of and by God. Israel, the confluence of man and God. Israel, earthly home to the One who thought the universe alive. Israel, the beloved, unfaithful whore. Israel, land of promise and destiny, of the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

My response was physical. I smiled, my stomach did a hand spring, and I felt a rush of Joy. Yes, Lord, for this I would exchange my baubles! Yes, I'll do it!

Immediately, I was ambushed by legitimate arguments and rational fears. I've failed at this a thousand times before. What was so different about this time? Sure, you say Yes now, but what about crunch time? What then? Who will you run to in the need of the moment, especially when you know how comfortable this is because it works? This really isn't so bad. Maybe this spring...

A rush of verses, recent encouragements, and thought-provokers rallied me:

1. If you gotta start somewhere, why not here?! If you gotta start sometime, why not now?!
2. My God will supply all your needs, according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus!
3. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go!
4. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ!
5. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me!
6. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!
7. I am willing to be identified with Your death so that I may sacrifice my life to God!
8. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds!
9. We only have this time on earth to affect the kingdom in the next life!
10. We only have this dot of time to establish how we will reign with Christ!
11. All will come before the Judgment Seat of Christ!
12. This body of sin is not the real me! I am crucified with Christ!
13. Be still and know that I am God!
14. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart!
15. We have to go through an experience where our energies are brought to an end, where the strength of the flesh is buried in Jordan, and where we can only go on because we discover the power of His resurrection!
    

This is Day 3 of Vita Nova. Sounds puny, even pathetic, but it's a big deal in my world. There have been no new days at all for such a very long, sad time--"always winter but never Christmas." *

While I know I will stumble again, I combat the habit of future tripping and considering whole, great chunks of time. In keeping with my personality, I can manage a few small patches (why I have only a few raised beds in a wee, Hobbit-ish garden). Like a recovering addict, I look only to one day at a time and resist the urge to fall back into Eeyore-ism. The image of Him driving is a calming, comforting thing, even though I don't know exactly how we're going to get where we're going, but I am banking on His goodness. He is the gentlest Person I have ever known, and I do not want to leave this place.

He holds me tenderly and swaddled, and I nuzzle into the crook of His neck. I am restful, and He is plenty Enough.

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1) "City on Our Knees," by TobyMac
2) Phil. 4:19
3) Joshua 1:9
4) 2 Cor. 10:5
5) Psalm 18:19
6) 2 Cor. 3:17
7) Oswald Chambers, January 8
8) 2 Cor. 10:4
9) Andy Fox
10) Earl Nash
11) 2 Cor. 5:10
12) Colossians 3:3 and Galatians 2:20
13) Psalm 46:10 14) Proverbs 3:5
15) The Power of His Resurrection, T. A. Sparks, p. 54

* Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis