I don't get it

I don't get:

• why my dog thinks I'm the person I would like to be.
• how it is that so many nonChristians have inspired me to be more Christlike.
• why it doesn't come out on the page the way I feel it in my insides.
• why I wait until the last minute to do something I could've done days ago, but now it's taken me longer than it should, cost twice as much, and turned out half as good.
• why my kids get sick at the dawn of weekend.
• why liberals blame George W for global warming, obesity, and our country's growing inability to compete with the world's most brilliant minds.
• why older people don't understand how to set microwave, answering machine, or VCR clocks.
• why people ask me if I'm okay while I'm choking.
• why idiot jerks who pass me dangerously on the highway glare at me like I did something stupid.
• how they can expect us all to believe we're all "special" the way they're teaching it in schools now.
• how my eyeballs used to work perfectly, and then one day they started shape shifting.
• how people who look perfectly healthy can have only three months to live.
• why all the really good tasting food has to kill me.
• why there are no lines until it's time for me to check out.
• why I find the rebate paperwork the day after it expires.
• how some people do not like chocolate.
• why some people go all out to exercise religiously and eat all kinds of healthy food, and then buy Almond Roca bar mix from Costco.
• why I hesitate to ask for the nice pen from the vendor who has them on display but offers me a sticker.
• why leaves aren't called "come outs" in the spring.
• how turkeys are nowhere to be seen during hunting season if they're all that dumb.
• why God wants anything to do with us, I mean, really.
• why my hair looks great when the dogs are the only ones who'll see it.
  

I'll add on to this as the conundrums roll in...