stuff gets bigger

You know that story in the New Testament about the man delivered from a demon, after which he gets possessed a hundred times worse because he didn't fill his life up with God after he was saved the first time? I liken that story to our nation. We're right with God, and then we fall away. We get right again, and then we fall away even harder. And so on. Every time we fall, we fall deeper and harder until look where we are now. No wonder every generation thinks it's the one that's going to see the end times.

What we're seeing now is the worst morality and crime our country's ever seen. I bet Rome was worse, but that's a different country. I'm talking about seeing this good-then bad-then good-then worse routine for my own self, in my own land, and it's depressing. I'm re-memorizing 2 Timothy, and chapter 3:1-5 nails it: "But mark this, there will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying its power."

no condemnation

"How could you?"

The accusation hovered in the air meeting dead silence. What did she want to hear? No reply would satisfy, no words could meet her conditions. It wasn't a question. It was a damning.

Her unblinking stare was like the laser heat of a desert sun. I would die in its intensity if she would not turn away.

I would not defend myself. I would obey You and be silent. I love You, Lord. You must be righthererightnow, the shield of my heart and mind , or I will fail You again.

She stood there and stared for a hundred years, and then finally pivoted away in slow motion. Seeing her through my Abba's eyes, she seemed to be enveloped in a reddish fog, the color of judgment and condemnation. And she smelled bad, too.

Thank you, my lamb. You did what I asked you.

Abba, that was so hard. I thought You would bear the burden. I thought you said your yoke would be easy, and my burden light.

Could you have endured that if you knew I was not rightthererightnow with you?

No, but why was it still so hard?

The blow to a helmet is still felt, even if not fatal. The sound of the wasp is still heard, even if it does not sting. The smell of death is still grievous, even if not your own.



I am filled with pity and grief for this one who accuses so completely, content in her own rightness. My spirit is troubled being around darkness. I would rather be the accused than the accuser, silent rather than defensive, protected rather than threatening. I pray for her and hope He will make her His own someday soon. Not so she won't hurt me, but because I want her to be my sister. I want to share Him with her, this Jesus Who is so knowable and unknowable, so fearsome and lovable. Someday, Daddy......? XO

He's engaged!

My little brother is getting married! He met Wayneen through eHarmony, and they've been dating for about six months. She's everything we've been praying for for him. She's charming, funny, healthy, and she has no baggage into the bargain! I know that's hard to believe, and we thought the same thing, but what you see is what you get. Her parents are gone, and of her two sisters, one is an angry biker chick, and the other is schizophrenic. Neither care for her (which I just don't get). She's humble, thoughtful, generous, witty, and intelligent, and we're all so deeply grateful for this match. They go well together since Alan is all those things too (the good stuff, not the angry/schizo part).

They don't know exactly when the wedding will be, but Alan wants to get married in Hawaii on the beach. Be awfully nice to be able to go, but with the price of gas and airline tickets, we'd have to win the lottery. And that'd be difficult since we don't buy lottery tickets... Anyway, go Brawno! I love you!

Enchanted

I saw “Enchanted” yesterday with a dear friend, and I liked it. I was surprised at the beginning because it was about 10 minutes of that 2D animation of those early Disney movies. Made sense to do it that way though because when the characters got fleshed out, there was this great clarity of contrast, which was quite entertaining in itself.

There was so much unreality in it that I couldn’t help but be reminded that this was a fairy tale. The melodrama, the plot, the clear line between good and evil—all delicious ingredients for a make-believe story.

However, I found myself getting choked up several times during this movie. I thought This is just a fun little story, light Disney fare--where’s this coming from?

It hit me toward the end of the movie that this story was yet another example of our heart’s desire to experience and share in that one story of the ages, the one God tells in His word that crashes against the reality we experience: There IS a happy ending, a happily ever after. It’s true, even if it’s something that we’ll experience after this life when we are really and truly alive. The tale of good & evil, peril & rescue, and that haunting desire we know as True Love is a true story, ever alive in eternity, and deep down, we know it. This is what I felt, and as always, my reaction to it was strong and deep and unexpected.

But I keep forgetting. I keep living like this is where it’s all at. Then when His story, my story, Our story, reintroduces itself, I’m taken aback and hugged full-on by it all over again. It’s rather like loving the movie “Casa Blanca” and going for years without seeing it or even thinking of it, and then having it be the girls night out film one night. It just gets you “right here.” [tap your heart twice]

It was a fun, beautiful time with my unself-conscious friend, and I treasure the memory. I was thinking we were two that day, but that’s never the case, is it? There were precious Three of us… †

Lunch with two friends

I had lunch last Friday with two friends I hadn’t seen in years, Rae two years ago, and Carrie, ten years ago. We met at Chili’s, and I’d have been there ten minutes earlier if I could’ve just found a parking spot! It was ridiculous. Like packin’ a size 12 woman into a size 6 dress—the excess runneth amuck.

As soon as Rae saw me, she motioned me to the table. I gave her a quick but meaningful hug, and I don’t know how else to describe it but I got a large measure of comfort from her beautiful, sweet face. Like going home after a long time away and nestling into your favorite sofa. Carrie stood to greet me, and when we hugged, I felt this swell of emotion rising. I would cry if I didn’t tug it back down. I hadn’t expected to be emotional, just happy. I drank in her face and marveled at how her eyes can still swallow me whole.
We sat down and began the catch-up. How are all the kids? What are you involved in? How was your Thanksgiving? Didn’t take long before we got into what I deem the only thing worth taking time for—Where are you with the Lord, and what are your struggles and joys? More emotion.

Rae and I are doing really well, so what we had to share was mostly about how great our kids are doing and how grateful we are for the downpour of blessing our whole lives have been. I realized afresh that You’ve been washing my feet my entire life. It is not even in me to begin knowing how to live a life that thanks You for that.

Carrie is another story. There is heartache with her family, both extended and immediate, so every time she related a situation, I’d tear up, especially when she did. It’s hard for me not to ask clarifying questions when someone’s relating something. I’m so visual that I don’t get it if I don’t see it. It’s also important to respect someone’s right to finish a sentence without being interrupted. I knew I would leave, and a hundred questions would pop up on the way home. Thank goodness for email.

What blessing in the extreme to have so little time and yet still connect in matters of the heart. What a satisfaction to have communion with two souls I have not been able to meet with in a long, long time. Time and distance have no foothold there in the spirits of those who are His own. Thank Ya, JEEsus!

We talked about our class reunion next year and whether or not we wanted to go. Noneof us wanted to go, all for different reasons. Rae feels chubby, Carrie’s tired of going by herself, and I figure I already keep in touch with the people I want to, so there’s no draw in it for me. However, after getting an email from Jerri Sue saying she’s going, I’m reconsidering. I haven’t seen her in 20 years.

Carrie got the check, her treat. Rae brought a fat jar of jam for each of us. I got peach apricot, and Carrie got strawberry. Wish I could do that from time to time. It’s really such a kind and generous-hearted gift. Me, I brought pics of me and mine, even of the house, the dog, my cat, and a couple of the horses. Cyndi’s friends gave. Cyndi took. Story of my life. I’ll get over it.

Carrie was the first to leave. She wrapped her long coat around her tall, slender body, and I kissed her on her blond head and hugged her to me, wishing for just one more hour. “We should do this at least every six months,” she said. At first I thought That’s so long. But then I realized it was pretty realistic. Six months goes by quickly. My oldest son was just ten, but he turned 21 yesterday.

Rae and I visited for ten more minutes, and I was able to ask her more about her dad, who’s in a long term residence. I love the way she talks. There’s something Cupie Doll about her that’s absolutely adorable. But we both had to go, so she donned her scarlet coat and we hugged goodbye.

I walked away with a full tummy, a full heart, and a mind full of memories, questions, and a couple of comments I’d wanted to share but forgot to. These friends of mine are like rooms in my heart, which is a palace. I don’t enter every room of my palace every day, but I know they’re there, and I can go in when I want. They are beautiful, wonderfully unique, with their own fragrance and atmosphere and decor. The scarlet thread that weaves us together is the One whose presence we are actually enjoying as we pour into and receive from one another the heavenly Sweetness that is His Spirit.

For 90 minutes, I left the land of me-me-me, and my soul basked in tropical trade winds that swept me warmly into others’ far off lands, brought close for one moment. A lovely new ornament of remembrance to savor in their rooms in my heart. Thank You... †

familiar pub smell

For those Britons who drink in pubs but miss the atmosphere as it was before smoking bans (for example, who may be disoriented by "new" smells that are no longer masked by cigarette smoke), the company Dale Air has introduced, in aerosol cans, a fragrance that it says mimics the musty, ashtray-based scent so familiar to veteran pub-goers. [The Sun (London), 9-19-07]

[Source: Chuck Shepherd's News of the Weird]

When I'm accustomed to something and then it changes, I tend to dislike the change, even if it's better for me. A creature of habit, I completely understand how an abused woman might stay in a dangerous relationship. There is hope that he will change, and there is comfort in the familiar--even if it's a deadly soothe. Soooo, I can’t really shake a crooked, bony finger at these people who miss the stale, smoky smell of their favorite bar, but I can laugh at them for preferring it. I just think that is cattywampus. Call me narrow minded.

something to look forward to

I’m lazy. And prideful. My windshield needs scraping, but when I can’t find a scraper, I might pull out my credit card, which is right with me rather than walking 20 steps to the garage where a tool specifically designed for that job hangs ready and available. The pressure arches the card, and I end up with ten times the work because I have to do the same spot 3-4 times because I can’t press as hard, AND my fingers cramp because my VISA card doesn’t have a nifty grippo handle. I convince myself that I’m practicing for an emergency when I’ll need to do just this very thing and won’t have a scraper handy. My cold and crippled fingers don’t buy it. I keep repeating “This is a GOOD idea, Cyndi. You are special.”

I need something to look forward to. When our college junior leaves for his next three months of study, I set up a countdown on my calendar so I know just when he’ll be home. Something to look forward to instead of dwelling on his leaving. This sounds like a complete departure from the topic, but I do have a point. I need to buy a snow scraper that is so deluxe, so premium, so chuck full (I know it’s “chock”, but that’s the way we say it) of comfort and speed that I will not only overcome my laziness and walk those 20 steps to it, but I will go against my lifelong aversion to winter driving and actually look forward to the next snowfall just so I can use my new thingy.

cat love lesson

Leonardo jumped up on my lap as soon as I started this quiet time. He is completely obvious about what he wants. Today I was actually happy to give it to him. (Usually my lap is busy with books and notebooks, and he's too uneven a surface to read or write on.) He curled up on my lap, and I scratched his head, his ears, his chin, I stroked his back, and he purred like a generator. I was so happy to have him right there with me that I hugged him to me and just held him there for a minute. When I released my embrace, I was delighted to see that he hadn't budged. That hadn't chased him away. He was content to stay right there. He just changed his position a little and then hunkered down for a nap.

He wanted my attention.
I gave it to him.
I wanted his nearness.
He gave it to me.
We are both happy.

Daddy, You want my attention, and You are delighted when You hold me close, and I don't go away. Forgive my going away... Feed and water my desire to stay. I want to give You joy. XO

Thanksgiving

It was a sweet day. There were nine of us at the table, the presence of the absent ones strongly visible in our minds. Thanks were expressed one by one, the corn kernels deposited in the bowl as symbols. The sun was winter bright and so very welcome. We drank in the faces we love that we just don't see as much as we'd like.

My poor Kevin... He's so sensitive. He wanted someone else to say grace over the meal, but they deferred. I would so have loved for my dad to say it, but he remained silent, and we remained respectful. He made it through though, I think the first time ever. Mom began the "corn praises." We each get two kernels of unpopped corn and express two things for which we're thankful. Mom started us off, and because Kev was the one who announced the praise time, Mom looked at him when she began. It only took her one sentence to launch into prayer mode though. She closed her eyes, and she began to speak to Him instead of to us. Out poured one thing after another, a veritable cornucopia of heartfelt gratitude for family, health, relationships, and most of all, Jesus. Kev summoned all of his steeliest machismo to keep it together.

This was my first attempt at injecting a turkey with a basting concoction, and it turned out great! I just love garlic butter. I'd eat that on just about any meaty or bready kinda thing. Alan brought his turkey fryer, which I love for two reasons: 1) The turkey turns out delicious in only an hour, and 2) Someone else cooks it. I made the pie crusts with butter this year instead of shortening, and I decided I like that better. Thanks, Hosey.

My folks only stay a few hours so they don't have to drive in the dark, so they took Jeslyn back with them, but Alan and Wayneen stayed. Ryan and Jylle disappeared downstairs, and we four adults settled in the living room for football and conversation. Within two hours after dinner though, the three of them had gotten in a nice little nap while I surfed the 'Net for jobs for Wayneen in hopes of getting her over here a little quicker than April.

Hearts we know and love sitting round the table. Absent ones we know and miss still with us in the missing. Lives so full--of family, true friends, good health (well, Mom's is mediocre, but at least it's not horrid), almost shameful material abundance (almost =)....... It won't always be like this. At the next holiday get-together there could be an empty chair, even two. I won't future-trip, but I acknowledge how quickly life can change.

I just want to say simply and meaningfully, Thank You, Daddy. You are everything Good and Lovely, and this silly wee lamb just wants to say Thank You. XO

what I like

• having my family home and I'm in the kitchen baking
• getting to stay in on a stupidly cold day
• Ya-Ya time
• drop-in friends who take me out to dinner
• savoring a warm book
• how my dogs love me no matter what
• Grace
• the color of my cat's eyes
• when my family likes what I made
• a bargain wardrobe
• salmon-colored roses
• milk chocolate when it's bendy but not melting
• a full yellow jacket trap
• thinking of better days for Jewelee
• imagining Jamara having a good day
• justice
• but I like mercy more
• my daughter's auburn hair
• an honest answer
• Napoleons
• novel arrangement of words
• buffet pants
• when Kathy is content and appreciated
• father-bride dances
• seeing something familiar in a new light
• baby belly laughs
• the smell of rain on a hot sidewalk
• knowing I encouraged someone
• one wrinkled hand in wrinkled hand
• real butter
• gel pens
• clear pictures of my kids' faces
• Jylle's exuberance
  
• quiet kindness
• campfires
• Jewelee's sense of humor
  
• Glenice's heart
• Rosie-isms
  
• Tina's face when she's thinking out loud and planning something fun
• lovin' on Chelsea
• Cheryl's excitement
• Kim's love for me
  
• the color of Jeannie's eyes
• good manners
• the first heavy snowfall
• the first warm spring day
• croissants
• vibrant color
• shiny things--even fishing lures keep me busy
• pumpkin pie with Breyer's vanilla ice cream for breakfast
• getting a card with a picture in it and something handwritten
• Brett's one-liners
• homemade soap
• being able to give spontaneously
• Josiah
• Stephanie's singing
• the smell of cut grass
• getting facebook & myspace messages
• magenta
• my mom's laugh
• kidding with my dad
• seeing Alan's joyfulness
• knowing Jeny's such a beautiful person
• French silk pie
• seeing my kids run
• capturing a good picture
• loping on my horse
• saying "fluffles"
• mandarin oranges, sweet watermelon, and crisp grapes
  
• Ryrie's "dumb" voice
• handmade quilts
• when I hear Your voice and really listen
• family movie night
• watching one of her brothers patiently teach Jylle something
• Annie's blog
• mexi-fries
• intimate moments
• sunrise in my back yard
• sunset in my front yard
• watching my kids tube
• watching my Kevin water ski
• chenille gloves
• See's chocolate-chocolate butter creams
  
• my front porch swing
• Shasta daisy plants
• happy endings
• Kev's excitement about deer & elk
• when my kids do stuff without being told
• unexpected kindness
• helpful neighbors
• clean comedy
  
• the word "sugarplum"
  
• steelies (maybe I should include this in shiny things...)
  
• making someone laugh
• nice comments
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