on being sick

I've had the flu since Monday night. It was like some kind of viral bomb suddenly kicked off inside me. I was standing there doing dishes when suddenly my face and neck got hot, I felt achey all over, and I was freezing in my core. I finished the dishes and went and put on a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and my softest, fuzziest socks. I curled up on the couch in a couple of blankets, but could not get myself warm. As the evening went on, I felt a little worse.

Kev kept asking me if I was okay and if he could get me anything. "No." Jylle was funny. She kept kissing my cheeks every few minutes kind of mechanically and rhythmically "because I've never felt anyone with cheeks this warm before."

My fever was the worst ever last night, and I just couldn't quit shaking inside. Kevin finally bundled me up in a comforter and heated a neck warmer. A second one finally put me over the top. Whew.

How like You to use sickness to pull me nearer. I've heard it said that "your favorite child is the one who needs you the most at the moment." I know You don't have favorites, but I can take that saying and see how I have needed You, and You would have me need You like that all. the. time. There's been a difference in my need too. It lacks that kind of hopeless desperation that's marked some neediness in the past. Instead there has been the most intimate sweetness about how near You are and how intensely You love me. Although the piercing pain of the intermittent headaches tends to knock me out, there remains that exquisite draw to Your sweet spot.

Yesterday I helped some friends, but by the time I got there I was feeling puny again. I laid down once, put my head down at the counter a few times, closed my eyes occasionally, and each time I did something like that, I was self-conscious about not wanting anyone to think that I was posturing for sympathy or attention. Certainly I have my moments, but even my Kevin (yes, "even") knows that when I'm sick, I just like to be left alone, not asked often how I am. I tried not to do any of those things in front of one friend who disdains pity-fishing. Then I tried not to be sad that I cared so much that she not think badly of me, and then felt frustrated when I couldn't stop caring. Finally, I just felt better, so that problem went away. Thank You for rescuing me from myself.

This morning, a headache had me in a vice, so I couldn't help my people off to school. They set me up with what I needed before they left, and Jylle even fed the horses without being asked. I'm upright and except for still having a headache of a lesser ferocity, I've managed to get a few things done. Mostly, I've just enjoyed nestling with You. Thank You for singing to me.