sandy time

My friend, Sandy, invited me to go to Harrington with her today to a bridal shower for the daughter of a long-time friend of hers. I was totally thrilled to be asked and couldn't wait for the almost-2 hr road trip!

Of course the time passed ridiculously quickly, and we began the journey talking about me. My longest, most involved conversations begin with talking about me and mine... I have to grab my jaw at some point and aim it toward my friend and ask, "So tell me about YOU..."

Wish I could include more pictures of Sandy connecting with old friends and community members she knew growing up, but alas, I took none. There just didn't seem to be a timely opportunity. I did bring back two small bags of exquisitely fresh lavender blossoms encased in sweet little tulle bags, but not after toting about 15 bags of the same for Sandy, along with maybe two pounds of turtle cake someone bagged up for her to take home to her little girls just 'cause. She is just that kind of person--you want to give her stuff and tell her how wonderful she is, knowing everyone thinks the same way you do.

Yeah, we talked about chemo and about her upcoming radiation, about her mastectomy and her reaction to it, about diet and eating organic and her family's adaptation to a radical dietary change and her new 'do and post-surgery drains. She is amazingly forthcoming and straightforward. She is upbeat and prayerful, focusedly worshipful and praising, humble and selfless. She is a wonderful friend and sister. Sometimes I want to poke her and ask Are you for REAL?!!!

I'm trying not to be afraid that she will be taken from us in the next few years. Taken from me. She is that rare good soul, the kind movies are made about and who are doomed from the beginning because of their goodness. Y'know, the good die young thing.

I know that there's something misaligned in my thinking, but right now, it all seems completely reasonable. There is the Them and the Me, and Sandy is most definitely a Them. In my mind, she keeps company with those great dead authors, the ones who have left behind a legacy of faith and intimate relationship that we today dream of and aspire to in our higher moments. She would gag at these thoughts of mine if she knew them, which would only further endear her to me.

I just thank You for now for the gift of her friendship, for the weight of her having wanted me along. Keep me righthererightnow. XO

10-20-30

Tell me you see the heart-shaped cloud. It was a gift to me as I drove home last week.


Where I was 10 years ago:

1998: (38) Lived in a big house 40 minutes from here. The kids were 11, 9, & 4. Kev worked in a school district we'd only dreamed about when we first heard it was being built. I'd found some incredible friends I truly clicked with, and church was a happy place.

20 years ago:

1988: (28) Lived in a tiny, rented house in Tonasket, and we had a one-year-old. Worked with Young Life and their discipleship program. Missed Spokane with its family, friends, and good shopping, but forged friendships we have maintained, been inspired by, and enjoyed to this day.

30 years ago:

1978: (18) Graduated with honors from high school (big deal). Visited the Philippines with my mom for six weeks. Supposed to be two months, but she missed my dad too much. She bawled when we left Spokane; I bawled when we left Manila. The gift with the most lasting impact on my life I think. Indelible images, permanent memories, impacting experiences. International travel has incredible influence on a person's memory. I was young, impressionable, easily influenced, and my gray matter was still soft. It's never like that again.


A dear friend reminded me that life is lived one moment at a time. We are given Time as a way to work out our salvation down here with fear and trembling, with like-minded friends, with all our hopes and failures and stumblings to address. It's in the righthererightnow that we receive the tremendous, mind-blowing gift of Grace. All these moments, all these memories, all this grace... we are soooo blessed. How many of us know, understand, and receive it.....

Jesus loves me, this I know.

on her behalf

I just read this heartbreaking message that was left as a blog comment:

About four years ago, I started having a drink now and then whenever I'd get together with my girlfriends. Up to that time, we were teetotalers. We just never drank. When we had to move to a different state, I resented everything about it. I started drinking more to dull the pain of the losses I felt.Then I started drinking to give me the courage to keep doing things I didn't want to do when we moved into a neighborhood I hated. Now I find myself with a mental dependency on alcohol for getting through events where I want to simply relax and not be agitated. I don't drink when I drive, and I don't work outside the home.

I'm 47 now and I have 2-3 drinks every evening. Even though I know that's unhealthy, what bothers me mostly is that this is my big, dark secret. No one else on earth knows what I do, and I'm too ashamed to talk to any of my friends, and I don't have an understanding family. I know I need to trust the Lord to supply my peace and comfort in ANY situation, and now I'm afraid I'll always be like this. I feel like a terrible person for not loving Him enough to quit this bad, costly, deceitful habit. I'm literally stealing from our income to supply this indulgence. I can't believe my family doesn't suspect something. I know I need to believe that He is my knight in shining armor, but since it seems that I must not believe that since I am not trusting Him to get me out of this, I realize I have dulled His armor and weakened His power (in my eyes). Is it a dumb question to ask if I need professional help?

I wish I could tell her that she could talk to ME. I have addictive tendencies, so this could so easily have been ME! I wish I could tell her that her shame is a sign of a healthy conscience. I wish I could listen to more of her story, reassure her that her husband and friends would probably embrace her and want to help however they could, and remind her that she truly is loved unconditionally by the One who's capable and desirous of seeing her through to the joy, peace, honesty, and freedom she longs for. He remains on His throne no matter how much we rearrange the ballroom chairs.

I can't contact her myself, but I can ask for help on her behalf. Everyone needs a knight in shining armor. I can be her lady-in-waiting. Help your lamb, Lord. This princess needs a fresh revelation of Your love and power. XO

Julie's 50th

change

Change is inevitable.

I don't have any thrill issues. None. I don't have an adventurous spirit. I'm only slightly spontaneous, and then only if it's my idea. Too many changes too quickly make me snarky. It's ugly. And you only see the outside of it. I have a pretty cushy life, so I have no room to complain, and yet here I am. So be it. I'll give myself a deadline to snap out of it. I miss Normal.

• Kev has slowed w-a-a-ay down because of his injured ankle bone, and I hate seeing him in such terrible pain.
• Jylle is going to a different school, which always brings new challenges.
• Ryan has moved out to go to college in another state; new challenges again.
• We're facing a year of big debt and trying to make ends meet.
• My mom seems to be going downhill mentally and physically. Suicide is lookin' good to her again.
  
• Brett is bearing a huge workload this year, academically and jobwise. This is his toughest year yet.

I'm the woman in the commercial who hits the Easy button, only I tend to mentally skitter all over the place trying to find alternate routes to Easy when that doesn't work. This can complicate things.

I'm going to go have a popsicle now. When all other routes fail, there's always a popsicle on the front porch swing.

wth

There was a man at the mall carrying a 15 lb bag of potatoes like it was a small child. He looked like he was going nowhere in particular, just one foot in front of the other, and he had a look on his face like that of a man serving time. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd lost a bet.

nobody else out there...

Sometimes when I'm blogging, I feel like I'm the only one who will ever read these words, which is fine. I write for myself anyway. Sometimes though I wish there were other women my age who blogged. I've looked for blogs by women 40+ and 50+, but can't seem to find any that are general or Christian in topic or who've posted anything after 2006. The closest thing I can find is Rocky Mountain Moms Blog, and not only is that still being set up, but I don't think I qualify, being just westward shy of the Rockies. And I want to talk or read about more than motherhood. It'd just be nice to connect with other women going through the same kinds of things I am--kids in college, looking at an empty nest AND menopause, life challenges, funny things that'd be fun to share, getting ticked at my husband or myself or the dog, y'know, just "stuff." The great majority of the blogs I come across belong to young people. I know technology savvy plays a large part in that. Doesn't keep me from wishing though.

I'm not lonely; I'd just like some good, girl company once/week or so. I don't want to chat. I want to read some personal note and say, "Yeah! I feel like that too!" or "Wow, I'm glad that's not MY son," or "She needs a hug right now," or even "...a swift kick in the tush." Sharing like that makes my insides fit right.

This is just more of the human condition, isn't it... "Am I the only one... is there anybody else out there like me?" The solo dance continues.

love across the lines

Got to talk to Brett last night, and it was great to hear his voice. Haven't talked to him myself in a month--Kev always fields the calls and somehow they hang up without me. No one's fault, just happens that way.

Knowing his workload is so daunting and heavy this year, that he's been going nonstop without a break, it was wonderful to know he had a fun, refreshing weekend. He and a couple of a buddies went camping. It was an hour's drive, but he said they could've hiked there in two. They went fishing and caught eight rainbow trout. Then they looked at one another and said, "We didn't plan this very well." They went back to town, bought some garlic powder and butter, and headed back to camp. They fried 'em up, and Brett announced that they were "dee-licious." His friend, Tim, cooks them like that. (But Tim also fries the tail nice and crisp and eats it like a potato chip. =) We chatted, talked about Internet stuff, and then he had to go study.

Once a mom, always a mom. This new heart that grows when they're born because the one you have isn't big enough to hold all the love--it never stops wanting for them. Wanting the best for them, wanting to protect and hold and invest in them, to be involved and participate in their extraordinary lives, to matter to them. Mostly mine wants to hear and know their laughter. I want them to know joy. I want them to know peace. I want them swathed in the grace of the righthererightnow.

Thank You for the gift of one phone call. It was dee-licious.

moods

I'm cranky. I'm snapping at or criticizing my Kevin, and he so does not deserve that. I thought it was hormonal, and even if it was, which it's not, that's not a good reason. There's never a good reason to be rude. He's been fighting a bad cold, and I've been addressing that, but not with the same compassion that I approach my kids. Fleshy, gritchy, moody woman! Snap out of it!

I need to be addressed once again by Your redemptive, soul-turning loving-kindness. That You never tire of doing this, of stooping way, way down to run a gentle finger down my cheek and pull me close and softly speak Jesus to me... That You never shake Your finger at my misbehavior and wrong thinking... in fact, You don't pay any attn to sin and flesh--You have nothing to do with them... You are utterly fantastic [so extreme as to challenge belief].

You are about washing the insides of this rusty can with Your pure river water. Help me to be patient. Help me not to panic when I don't see any change even after a long time. The water is moving, and the inside of the can is coming clean as You pour through it day after obstacle after need after day. XO

Questions to Ask on a Long Trip

• What 3 people would you want with you on a deserted island?
  
• What 3 books would you want?
  
• What super power would you like to have?
  
• What sounds do you most like?
  
• What sounds do you most dislike?
  
• What favorite foods would you like to make up a really great meal?
  
• Who are the people who have had the most influence on your faith?
  
• Which person in all history would you most like to have lunch with?
  
• If you could change one thing in history, what would it be?
  
• Would you steal to feed your starving family? Why or why not?
  
• What mistake have you made that you really learned from and can actually be grateful for now?
  
• What are you working on to improve your character?