Aftermath

I never ever knew how important it would be to send a sympathy card or make that phone call to inquire or deliver a roasted chicken if not for what I've experienced these last couple of months. Actually, the impact was impressed within the first week after losing my mama, but as the cards and phone calls continued to come in weeks after, the lesson was embossed in my heart, and I will forever acknowledge the importance of reaching out, even if words seem empty and useless to you at the time in your attempt to comfort the grieving.

Sometimes I think I'm over the immediacy of tears, of how ready they've been. I think Okay, I can do this. This is how it is afterward... Then I'll hear a song or read a fresh card or glimpse her precious face in a picture, and I'm completely undone. I am almost desperate for my next dream with her in it. I wake as if from some purchased time with her, analyzing the scenarios and attributing whatever meaning or symbolism they might contain.

I need her life to mean something lasting in mine. Such a loss requires the justice of a profound legacy. It is my co-honor and co-responsibility with the One Who loves her perfectly and eternally to see that that happens. I don't mean to imply that I intend to act as one equally yoked. I only mean that I want to cooperate as He prompts and gives direction. T-H-E-N it will be done with the honor and meaning that He bestows on every one of His ends.

offense, defense, and the truth

Before

Do you know how much damage can be done when you expect to be the Center of someone's universe? Do you realize how complicated you make it when your level of expectation exceeds Reason? Where is this Grace you preach...? Where is this Love you speak of...?

You are so young. But you have experienced a great deal:  Depth. Life. Miracles. Grief. Sorrow. Confusion. Complication. Tenderness. Courage. I don't consider that lightly. But this is a wounding thing you've done.

This seems to be three steps forward, three steps back. This no longer seems worth it to me. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not much in the scheme of things because I would no doubt make this situation worse than it already is. I thought I knew your heart. Obviously I don't. I got caught presuming.

When Mary's heart was pierced through, did anyone remember the prophecy? Did she even, until the midst of it? To see your child suffer is a grief no parent can bear in a lovely way. It stinks. It's a mountain of misery, and more often than not, this mother's knee jerk reaction is to slap at the hornet rather than to be still and know that He is God, at work, alive, revealing...


After

Psalm 103:11-12 was written on a note left for me in the kitchen. “For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great are His mercy and loving-kindness toward those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

I needed a fresh reminder of my own sin and level of unreasonable expectation.  If I find that I am unwilling to forgive, if I have uttered the words, “How could you…” then I need the tender revelation once again of which world I belong to. The rules and tools of that other world have no function or place , like using a tennis ball to build a house, or a sock to magnify. The rules of the Kingdom, of the Overcoming Life, are the tools of the Redeemed—humbled at being saved, forgiven, and given the scandalous privilege of walking as Daughter or Son, that to walk in any other manner than that of Abiding is not an option.

Where is this Grace I preach if it does not begin with me? Where is this Love I speak of if it isn't seen immediately in my own life? I have been forgiven of far worse, and so I drop the stones I would hurl in a red hot hurry as I acknowledge that my board is greater than your sliver. I sincerely
wish you sweetness and roses as you bear with your self in this walk as we all must. xo

Psalm 32:6-8  For this forgiveness let everyone who is godly pray—pray to You in a time when You may be found; surely when the great waters of trial overflow, they shall not reach the spirit in him. You are a hiding place for me; You, Lord, preserve me from trouble, You surround me with songs and shouts of deliverance.  Selah.  I, the Lord, will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you.

[I wrote this after someone shattered the heart of one of my children.]

Batdog

We came back from boating, and this is what our bedroom looked like.

Clues: Doolie greeting us in the driveway when we know we left him in the house, the open window sans screen, a toppled chival mirror, my jewelry and lotions totaled all over the dresser and the floor, and finally, the many tall and deep vertical grooves decorating the inside of the door and the door frame.

Conclusion: Doolie got locked in our room. Sherlock has nothin' on us. Have no idea what the whole dresser thing was about or why he was even in our room, but he so ninjaed out the window. I went outside to see how far it really is, and it's a really decent jump. Fall, actually.

Did he hear a noise that piqued his curiosity? Did he follow the cat in there? Was he thirsty? Or nosey? Or just thorough in his watch of the whole house?

We'll never know. We do know that the wind often shuts our door, and the noise can be frightening because it seems to happen so suddenly.

Messes are no fun to clean up, but nothing was broken, and it tidied up pretty quickly. I found myself feeling so sorry for Doolie. No one around for comfort or reassurance, Guido in the garage, and his fine desire to please now hacked. Poor guy... It'll probably be the only time a dog ever caused trouble, only to receive hugs and a jerky treat. Love that Dools.

So THAT'S What You're Really Like

Jylle has had a pen pal named Emily for six years. They connected through what was then Brio magazine and proceeded to get to know each other the old-fashioned way through letters for the first couple of years. When they got Facebook pages, things sped way up.

They'd done everything but meet in person until last week. Emily's folks bought her a nonstop ticket from Minneapolis (her first time flying), and she stayed with us for a full week. A small town girl from the flat lands of South Dakota, only 15 minutes from the Minnesota border, she loved it here. From the get-go, she expressed such appreciation for our mountains and trees, and we heard about "nothing but corn fields and cattle" as she answered people's questions about her region.

The first evening she was here Jylle invited a few friends over, some of whom knew Emily from Facebook and took advantage of the opportunity to meet in person. Killer Bunnies is always their game of choice. I made a Filipino dish of noodles and pork and went to bed way earlier than they did.They spent the next day at Riverfront Park, and I didn't take my camera with me. Jylle was excited to show her the garbage goat (did you know it has its own Facebook page?!), and they used their day passes until it rained. They made their way to the Flour Mill at my suggestion (did you know it's mostly just law offices now?!) and ran out of things to do way more quickly than we thought.

These photos are a quick glance of what they did during the week. There are vignettes and tableaus that drift in and out of my thoughts all day of which I have no actual pictures. It's bittersweet how much someone can come to mean to you after such a short time. Seeing them gel as well in person as they do online and on the phone, watching them as comfortable in silence as in nonstop chatter, knowing this visit is something they'll talk about to their own daughters someday, brought on a sense of something deeply satisfying as a mom--and as a friend. This time is precious, I kept thinking.










Time is precious. What a gift. I have my Jylle here, my Jamara 45 minutes away, my Lydia in Little Rock, and now my Emily in South Dakota. And those are just my girls. I am one rich motha (I sound so gangsta.)

Multi-Lingual

For the longest time I've thought my love language is gifts. I like to get them,and I like to give them. I also like to give words of affirmation. Spending time with Ryan this summer has given me cause to reassess.

He said a number of things to me that really blessed me. One was really simple. He walked into the kitchen and just said, "I sure do love you!" He thanked me for making lunch and for doing his laundry, and again, it was just simple but so sincere.

Kev was telling him one afternoon when I wasn't around some of the things he loves about me. Ryan asked, "Have you ever told her this stuff?" Kev replied, "Mom doesn't really care about words." Immediately, Ryan sensed his BS meter spike! He stayed calm and quiet though and reassured him that I would probably enjoy hearing those things from him.

I don't know if I have, and that's okay. I haven't heard any compliment or statement lately that I haven't heard before. That makes me sound snotty and bitchy, but I'm just saying that Kev gives me lots of compliments--they're just the same ones, which is fine because he's generous that way, praising and thanking me for doing and being...

All the love languages have their place in my life. I love when someone cleans the kitchen (acts of service). I'm blessed when someone wants to spend time with me (quality time). I appreciate hearing that I've encouraged someone (words of affirmation). Hugs embrace my insides (physical touch). It's immensely sweet to receive a gift that showed some thought was put into it (gifts). Every time someone puts effort into letting me know I'm thought of fondly, it's a gift, and I feel loved.

All this talk of love has made me want to go out and bless someone now. Too bad y'all can't line up so I can bless some socks off! I shall ask Him for some divine appointments in the meantime. He speaks every love language thoroughly, does He not, as He is their creator and inhabitor... xo

not right meow

          Goober is emaciated.  I googled his symptoms this last winter and deduced that he has either a thyroid problem or diabetes.  He’s hyper, drinks a lot, is very vocal, and has only gotten skinnier, no matter how much he eats. I tried feeding him raw ground beef (one of the suggestions online), but he lost interest. I tried feeding him canned food, but that wasn’t very much, and he started leaving even some of that in the dish. Now I’m taking some dry food, adding hot water and 1/3 of a can of canned food, and letting it soak to soften it and flavor the dry stuff with the canned. I’ve been doing that for a couple of weeks, and he finishes it by the end of the day.

Seems like he’s always pulled out patches of his hair, mostly mid-back, but lately he’s taken to pulling it out in his front left armpit and back left hip at the thigh joint.  It freaked Jylle out to see it.  I saw him walking around the backyard just now, and he looks terrible. When I pet him, I can only bear to pet his head. The rest of him is just fur-covered bone. He looks like a feline skeleton example from an animal teaching hospital.

I pray for mercy everyday, that one day we’ll just never see him again. I pray for him too, that it’ll be instant and painless, like maybe just dying in his sleep—but way out in the wilderness somewhere so we don’t have to bury him. Yes, I pray for a very thorough mercy.

Just watching him out back, he ventured into the tall grass, and suddenly I thought Maybe this is it. Maybe he’s going out to some mystical burial ground like the elephants do. Maybe this is the last time I’ll see him. G’bye, Goober…

          When I went to the garage a minute later though, there he was, all high-pitched meowing and head popped out from the top of the garden bench so it’s the first thing I saw when I opened the door. I fluffed up his breakfast with the knife I keep out there and set it in front of him, then closed the door. The day will come when he won’t be there to feed anymore, and a legend will have passed on. He really has been a great cat for us.

           (A tip of the hat here to Doug Demmert who gave him to us, even though he tricked me by saying this kitten was a tabby when clearly he was a solid gray. Dropped him off at our house in a box when we were gone. He was from a barn litter, so he was absolutely terrified and tore around the house like Taz until he finally fell into an uncovered heating duct. We let him stay there all night because it was super late, and we were exhausted. In the morning, Kev unscrewed the ducting mount, and we slid him down into the box. He never did stay in the barn though, always the garage. Goober, Garage Cat and Mouser Extraordinaire.)

I walk around ants so I won’t squish them. I relocate tree frogs to keep them safe from the too warm temperature of the hot tub. I cried when I hit a rabbit and when I saw a deer get hit. I’m not an animal rights activist—I just have compassion toward them. It's a decent thing to respect life.

Death is so not where it’s at. Sounds inane to say, but I hate death. It’s just not the way it’s supposed to be. Everything about it is wrong. Every dealing with it is depressing, and I mentally turn away from memories of past business with it.

It’ll be six months on July 21 since I lost my mom. I used to take a big inhale everyday of her pajama top that’s precariously sealed in a grocery bag in the washroom. I don’t do that very often anymore. I also used to say Hi, my Mom, at the picture on her Costco card that’s on my dresser. I had to stop doing that because it made me tear up. Both those things I thought would bring me some small measure of comfort, tiny as they are. They don’t though. Even seeing her picture pains me.  She died, and I am suffering her death.

This is not new—death’s been around since Genesis.  It’s new to me though. Death sucks, and that’s all there is to it.

Okay, maybe there’s one good thing about it. It’s the doorway to Life. Here, we live and strive and balance and walk and sweat and work and cry.  There, we truly live. We know life as He’s provided in a world where there is no death. Maybe there’s one more good thing about it. It’s knowing we’ll pass through that doorway too, and in the meantime, we know we have people there who’ll jump into our arms when we get there. It’s the faintest measure of hope and peace to me personally right now, because honestly, I just want my mom back. Since it’s idiotic to go there though, I discipline my thoughts to be reminded of the hope we have in heaven.  And that is only ours through death.

Having read Heaven Is For Real, I feel safe in believing there will be animals there, something I’ve thought my whole life. I have loved every animal I have ever had, and I have given thanks to their Creator for the marvel of their innocence, beauty, and affection.  If they bring glory to Jesus, then why shouldn’t they be a part of that eternal plan…

Finish strong, Goober.  We’ll see you there some fine day.  Give my love to Gulliver, Muttnik, Midget, Sham, Scooter, Bear, Fallon, Parker, Gadget, and Jake.  *paw bump*

In the Name of the Father, the Son...

We were honored not only to be part of a friend's baptism, but a part of it as well. This is a quantum moment for anyone who's chosen to do this public act, so we could relate to what he was about to participate in--only we didn't have 26 other co-baptizees and 400 people watching.

Large churches are used to milling people through, and large, successful churches can do that without accentuating the mill feeling. We're from small churches (<100 people), so while we enjoyed the change of pace and anonymity, we had our concerns about how they'd take warm and proper care of people doing something as personally eventful as getting baptized.

Suffice to say, it was well done. Great big tarp under a great big tank, slight climb up a ladder, sit in the warm water, pray with your trusted dunker, and enjoy the applause as everyone watches your immersion on the big screens up front.



A little worship, a little baptism (okay, maybe a lot), and as much of a spirit of investment and community as a small city can bestow on its residents, it was a sweet experience to see all those faces, each one beaming, as they proclaimed in action their identification with the One they'd come to love and follow because He first loved them. As many kids as there were adults, inside this act that requires you to reappear in front of everyone completed drenched--as in a wet t-shirt contest--this was a level playing field. They were each one my brother and sister in Christ, from the tiny four-year old girl, to our friend, who was the oldest.

God bless them, every one.

Dress Her Need

As I was praying for my Kathy this morning, I kind of tripped over a word. I said, "Dress her great need" instead of "Address." I was about to correct it when I realized how fitting it was. There's what I've come to think of as a low grade fever in this season of her life. Caring for her husband after his stroke with the greatest and most tender compassion, she has been his sole caregiver and is constantly vigilant about his condition and anything that might aggravate it. His care, his comfort, his well-being is what I hear from her in every email. She is his champion, and whether he's aware of it or not, Heaven sees and knows.

Her sweet husband was recently hospitalized and in a coma. Long story short, she waited for days through test after test to determine the cause, she was given the duties of a nurse because of shorthandedness, and then made to be the bad guy for telling family that their long visits were exhausting him and protracting the treatments. They recommended a nursing home, but she insisted on taking him back home. She told me, "Maybe someone will do me the same kindness someday."

Tasks from the most mundane (dressing him) to the more arduous (crating around the wheelchair and navigating through foreign airports) are hers to do alone. None of his family have risen to the occasion. Somehow they just do not get it. I hear all this not through clenched teeth and raised fist, but with a sigh. I actually think she pities them for their small hearts and short minds. I have known this woman for 14 years, and she honestly lives a life founded on the compassion that is Christ and the actions that come from a sincere and yielded heart.

I know she would poo-poo all this and tell me I'm exaggerating and making her out to be superwoman, but she is my hero. I am touched to the core to call her my friend. In the midst of everything she's going through, she gifts me with her frequent updates, makes me laugh, and now she's sending me something in the shape of a heart that I look forward to getting in the mail soon.* God bless her!

=======================================

* Back when her husband had a stroke, I would pray for her daily, and then again every time I saw something in the shape of a heart. They would come in all varieties--a cloud, a rock, a garden stone, stationery, chocolate, an ice chip, spilled milk (not even kidding), etc. I saved one rock that I especially liked and took a picture of this ice chip that fell out of my glass. Cool way for Him to keep her close in my heart and mind. I am grateful.

Last Stop On the Honeymoon

Brett & Lydia didn't have a chance to eat anything at their own wedding reception, so they drove right to a grocery store and downed some sushi that she held so that he could drive. While I find that sad and somehow cruel, they obviously survived and zipped off to Amarillo for the first stop on their honeymoon. They stayed at the historical Monte Vista Hotel in Flagstaff and savored a beautiful dinner. Hiking and camping for the first time, Lydia said she really liked it, but nobody enjoys doing that stuff in the rain, even if it is Yosemite.

After winding their way north from California to the Seattle area to visit Nana and introduce Lydia to new relations, they made it here for a Washington reception. The day started out interesting weatherwise, and we never know what to expect when we get these mixed signals.

The cupcake "shmear

Lydia getting the wedding video ready for guests

My incredible Ya-Yas, without whose emotional and physical support I could never have pulled this thing off, much less keep up with guests and spontaneous needs. Their perfume is the fragrance of Christ, and I am one piercingly blessed woman. (Cheryl, I still owe you for all the pasta salad and punch!)

My oldest son and my new daughter

I can't herd all the thoughts of gratitude, wonder, and anticipation I have. The scenes and conversations will play themselves out many times before they settle, and I will marinate in the joy and newness of this new stage of life with a full heart.

xoxo

Rehearsal Day

Got into Wichita Falls last night about 8:00, but didn't get to Lydia's until about 9. She made a lovely stir fry, and there were egg rolls, with cheesecake and sweet cuppin' cakes for dessert. The idea was to have our families meet in a relatively stress-free environment. It was great.

When I saw Kelly, Lydia's mom, come around the corner, the first thing I was struck by was the sweetness of her face. What a kind and gentle countenance. It never faltered once either. We helped cut out programs and then left for the hotel.

Gonna be a hot day. Looking forward to the fun!!