in my head

I can't believe you felt like that! I just started laughing! You were belovedly honest and vulnerable, and oh my goodness--I was so surprised, and then I felt kinda wicked for being wanted & missed! I mean, no one goes around telling you stuff like that, right?! =) There was this Are you serious?! You want me?! Cool!

But don't worry--I got over it. I'll never put expectations on you. Freely given, freely received.

Silly girl...... I could never not think of you--I still, probably always will, have you in my head. Spotting your sweet face, especially if it's unexpected, can still make me forget my own name. If I had a tail, it would wag my butt off. Seriously though, I pray for you, and of course He keeps close to the heart the ones we pray for.

When I pick up a book to read, I wonder what you're reading, if anything has made you laugh or hugged your insides or convicted you. Ten times/day I see the rock wall and all the plants you gave me, and I'm thankful for you as I remember that day we walked around your yard and talked while you dug. When I'm unloving and unlovely, I want to be better than my smallness, and I think of you saying that the bottom line is loving God and loving others. My thoughts of late are turned to living life fully, the way that's possible, and everyday I think of the quote you read to me from Saint Iraneus, "The glory of God is man fully alive."

It is one of the most difficult things I had to get used to was being so removed from everyone. You & I had a good thing going, didn't we..... I'm grateful for your love, and I love you right back.

So yep, you're definitely right here with me. Sweeeeet. mmWAH!

nail

The nail on my ring finger ripped backward and sliced down into the quick. Hurt like a freakin’ paper cut! Yeah, that bad!

It was still attached at the not-so-deep side and levitated there above its former home. Owie. I carefully maneuvered the clippers to snip as little skin as possible. Still owie. From that point on, I banged it into everything I touched. You know how it works. Someone will make some good bucks by inventing a bandage that's truly a good fingertip bandage, not something that sits huge atop the end of my digit like a turban.

By evening it was throbbing, and it's still hurting this morning. (And I'm not a whanny. I know what natural birth is--twice over.) I looked at it, studied the unnatural exposure of the delicate tissue that's designed to be covered by a protective shield. It was red at first, but is a bright pink now. Not healed, but the body is doing what it does to get there.

Exposure makes the body vulnerable to attack and pain and further damage. It's the same with my heart. I keep it fairly protected, which is something of a recent revelation to me as I thought I'd evolved further than that in this spiritual, mental, and emotional journey. I am still so afraid to tell people what I really and truly want and need. I have been made fun of, slighted, and ignored because of it in the past. Here's my heart... what will you do...? Gimme that thang--*stomp*. . . See my thinking? that to hurt is BAD and something to be avoided altogether. THAT is not exactly in line with what my Abba purposes, and I am slow to absorb & own it for myself.

What I can do though is listen and pay careful attention to the promptings that tell me to put it out there anyway. Only He knows the perfect when and who and what. For now, He has to speak up, enunciate, and often repeat Himself. Fortunately, this does not bother Him even a tiny smidge. After all, even I show compassion and patience with the mentally impaired. How much more shall He who IS Compassion...

This is not new ground for me. I have been in this place many times. It's probably a good guess to say that most of us live here, even if we're not aware of it. I am made aware of it again now, and it's my most earnest hope and desire to spend and give away whatever He wants from my heart. It's a jar of oil that He created, and He's never disappointed me yet. XO