Did I say thanks for that?

It's day 31 of Project Gratitude, and I'm glad to say that so far I haven't missed a day. It's been a terrific exercise in examining the blessings in my life, and I find myself thinking about them way more than I ever did before. I've always appreciated the words Thank You, so to apply them more often only seems appropriate, especially given the humongous blessings that wallpaper my life.

I was coming back from feeding the horses when I realized that it was going to be a sunny day. I grabbed my camera and waited (not very patiently) in the snow to watch the sun slide up behind the mountain. My camera freaks out in bright light from a sand mishap in Corpus Christi, painting horizontal stripes across the pictures, but I manage to like this photo anyway. There are frozen weeds right in front of my eyes, but beyond them is a bigger, brighter landscape with Hope glistening like floodlights. It's a lesson in perspective for me, something I've needed for a long time.

Off to go be grateful for something now. Tootles!

When Thank You Doesn't Come

It's when I've done or said something with the intent of being encouraging or uplifting that I realize I have subconscious expectations when the thing remains unacknowledged. I was raised to believe that "thank you" was in order after someone did or said something with kind intent. Most of the time this ritual is satisfied to the extent that I only experience a lack of it on occasion. It occurs at least once/month on my big trip to town as I deal with the general public, and even rarely with friends. I have a higher standard for my closest friends and my family, and that's a problem.

I feel all good about something after I've done it, like that person who can't wait for you to open the present because you're just going like it so much! There's that eagerness, that anticipation of something along the lines of "Wow, I really like it--thank you!" If I've put effort into a project, even a little one, it seems like an abortion of sorts when it's met with a "Thank you for that," and the subject moves on immediately.

That's when I have to deal with the Committee as we caucus in order to find out what went wrong. That is usually when I come back to I expected something different, something better, something more. Who was I really doing this for then?
R-i-g-h-t...... I gave a gift with strings attached... or at least one anyway. Whose heart was blessed by the kindness of your intentions? My Father's... and His pleasure is the only thing I need to care about. Freely you have received, freely give.* The burden of unvoiced expectation, like a noose, is severed, as I realize my sin, and I release you from it with my most sincere apologies.

Yes, it would have been nice to know if it meant something to you, but the promptings of my motivation were divine, and you and I are only players in this larger lesson I would not have relearned if you had given me what I expected. See, I often forget that the main character in this story is not me, because most of the time it feels like it is me. The whole world tells me it is. I am reminded once again of that magnificent Protagonist, and I am humbled to the core.

Thank You for letting me play, Daddy. It means everything to me. You mean everything to me. Thank You.


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*Matthew 10:8

lengthy but not exhaustive

Surely the world is not big enough, deep enough, or real enough to contain all the words it would take to thank You for everything You've given, done, and are. My tiny offering here is feeble in light of all that I am not and should be, but You don't see me like that, which is why I love You so much and keep trying. With my eyes closed and my heart full on, "I want to look right at You, I want to sing right to You."

I want to step out of me and into Your life in me, and I want to want that not so much for me but because that would give You great pleasure and the world would see the supernatural on wheels--Jesus alive and well and going about the Father's business as a 48-year old woman and all that means.

Thank You for the desire for a higher life, for the abundant life, and for the next life. I'm thankful that this world is not my home.

Kevin: He is a wonder, Your love manifested to me in flesh and bone, heart and soul.
My children: They teach me more about how to live and love than any how-to book (save Your word and anointed books).
Dad: His integrity, humility, and steadfastness are a northern star for me.
Mom: Her generosity and capacity for love and fun are a constant inspiration.
My Ya-Yas: Their devoted friendship is an anchor in the wilderness of life. They have seen me at my nastiest and loved me along all the same.
Alan: His sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and genuinely loving heart makes me love him not just 'cause he's my brother, but 'cause he is my friend.
Wayneen: She makes my brother so happy, and she is a beautiful soul.
Sandy and Betty: Their Christlike lives and attitudes are incredible.
Debbie: Her deep kindness, intentional friendship, and real presence were a godsend and remain a profound blessing.
Kathy: With the heart of a poet and the spirit of a prophet, she ministers to me, encourages, advises, humors, listens, shares, and I don't know what I'd do without her.
Barb: She challenges me to be the person she thinks I am. The little girl inside her loves the little girl in me, and she just makes me feel so wanted.
Kim: We have solved the world's problems together and continue to work on each other's. I miss her next-doorness, but we will always strive to "pop through the hedge" whenever we can.

I am thankful for salvation, hope, sunshine, cloud art, baby laughter, our church, our pastors, kind words, good food, good health, kindness, smiles, color, pets, clean water, fresh air, dessert, pictures, good movies, flowers, music, my kids' friends, heart shapes in nature, God-hugs that pop up when I need them most, funny jokes, great stories, being remembered, being relevant, just BEing.........

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

Every day I think of you and pray for you.

Every day I thank the Lord for His tremendous gift of provision and grace in His design for you to be my father.

Every day I try to live up to a standard that would make you proud of me.

Every day when I see the faces of my kids, I thank the Lord for “the fervent prayers of a righteous man.”

Every day that I have to shave my legs I think of you. ;o)

Every day I am proud of who you are—for your service in the military, your devotion to my mom, and your faithfulness to our God, whom you taught me to love.

Every day I look at the American flag and know that the great respect I have for it and our country I learned from you.

Every day at some point I laugh, and I think of all the times you’ve made me smile and laugh out loud.

And every time Father’s Day rolls around, I get out my simple pencil and try for the life of me to make a mere card explain what my heart can’t even command. I can only hope to love you well every day and to thank you once again for the gift of loving me so well. Through the years you’ve sacrificed & cared for, taught, disciplined, given generously to, befriended, counseled, driven, prayed for, and loved me oh-so-very-well. Trust that these words are sincere and offered in humblest gratitude.

You are the truest friend and the priceless reflection of my Heavenly Father. You are the reason I can trust Him, because you showed me that a father is trustworthy. You are the reason I can love & be loved by Him, because you showed me that I can love & be loved. I am blessed because of you. I love you, Dad.