"Choose"

"I choose to love You. I will choose to love You."

Ah, Winter...

Snow shmow. It's ice that creates the real drama. At least, on the roads. We have a most dependable 4x4 half-ton truck that may as well be named Hercules. It's been our ace in the hole a hundred times when our other cars have fallen lame against winter's harshest road conditions. When this is what greeted us first thing this morning, it was a no-brainer that Kev would take Hercules to work.

Yeah, it's icy, but we have Chevy Hercules, right?

... right?

I was shocked when Kev called a minute after he left to say that he was stuck in the driveway. He was broadside halfway to the road, just slid right into the snowbank in slow-mo and not a thing he could do about it.

Hauling kitty litter, ammonium sulfate (snow melter), gloves & jacket for Kev, I opted for a shortcut through the field of snow rather than skate my way to him. Good choice. In the meantime, he'd fetched chains from the barn to lay down for traction. Like he always does, morphing into a mighty combo of MacGyver and Jack Bauer, he unstuck the truck and took Jylle to school so she wouldn't have to gauge the roads by her first-ever-winter-driving self.

I snapped a few pictures of the innocent-looking puddles along the way. One would never guess that inches away from the traction of that snow, lays ice that would just as soon smack your grandma than just sit there and look pretty.

Watching the water splash into the melt of the puddles, I was reminded of Rob Bell's book Drops Like Stars. He writes of a four year-old boy who says over and over, "Stars, stars, stars..." as he stares out the window at the rain. His mother explains that he thinks the droplets look like stars in the instant that they explode onto the sidewalk.


Magic in the mundane. A melody in the caterwaul. Victory in the tumult. Peace in the battle. Joy in the tragedy. My God delights in the upside-down, the impossible, the moment alive. Be still and know that I AM GOD. All is well...

The Face of God

For God Who said, Let light shine out of darkness, has shone in our hearts so as to beam forth the Light for the illumination of the knowledge of the majesty and glory of God as it is manifest in the Person and is revealed in the face of Jesus Christ. ~2 Cor. 4:6 (Amp)

I was talking to Ryan, and he shared this verse with me. He just started talking and said he was still processing it even as he spoke. As he went on, a shiver went through me. "When you look into the face of Jesus, you're looking at the face of God." God, in all His Godness, excluding nothing of His nature and essence, put on skin and flesh and walked Earth as a man called Jesus. The face of Jesus owned the glory and majesty of GOD. Within tangible pores, bones, organs--the Eternal, Self-Existent One.

When Moses asks God to show him His glory, God responds by saying He'll cause all His goodness to pass before him. His glory is His goodness. His goodness is His glory. In Jesus is all the glory-goodness of the Father. When I look on His face in worship, I am possessed by His glory-goodness.


Like Ryan, I'm still processing this. I love the immediate impact it had on my spirit. I know that means He's bringing on something. Something of His nature, and I dig that.

I don't know how accurate any of the pictures, paintings, or composite guesses are of Jesus' face. I rather like that we don't know. He becomes to each of us what we most need.

When Brett was two, I asked him if he'd ever seen Jesus. He played with a toy as he answered matter-of-factly, "Yes." Surprised, I asked what He looked like. Still occupied with the toy, he answered, "His hair is black." Even more surprised, I asked if there was anything else. "He not very tall." I asked, "What else?" He turned to me and said, "His skin is like yours." Tears flooded my eyes. Could he have actually seen You...? The only pictures he had of Jesus were in a calendar by Richard Hook, famous for his ruggedly handsome, GQ Jesus sketches. Interrupting my wonder, Brett piped up, "He was Good. And nice." Keeping it together, I asked, "Did you do anything together?" His voice grew a little quieter, "He just hold me and sing to me."

Was he making this up? Only God knows. You can imagine how I pondered this fiercely. Finally I remembered that he'd had chicken pox a couple of months before. It was bad too. Sores covered his little body from head to toe. He cried and cried, I gave him oatmeal baths, sang to him, tried everything to distract and entertain. Bedtime was the worst though. He didn't like to go to bed anyway, and this physical torment only exacerbated that dislike. As I held him and rocked, croaking out lullabies through tears, I begged the Lord to help him. I know it wasn't a fatal condition, but witnessing your child suffering and being helpless to do anything about it is a lonely agony.

Could this have been the result of a young mother's plea? Might His Spirit have held Brett in the night, the Comforter consoling His precious, hurting little one? Did He enjoy holding him like I did, delighting in being his solace? I'll never be sure in this life, but it's certainly in keeping with His nature to manifest compassion and refuge to the weak.

I've only told this story two or three times. It's very special to me, and I hold it dear. To look on the face of Jesus and see the glory-goodness of God... Unless you become like a child...

Vita Nova (New Life)

I'm in a good place. I haven't been in a good place for a long, long time. I've been in a decent place, a proper place, a reasonable, survival, rebellious, confused, or waiting place, so this is good.

The difference, of course, is where I am spiritually. The enemy can connive and manipulate and deceive like nobody's business, and I am quick to justify. Until now, I have been misled, God has been maligned, and I have been bewitched. The burden of personal responsibility for my sanctification was grossly misrepresented. "Stagnation in spiritual life comes when we say we will bear the whole thing ourselves" (Oswald Chambers).

It is unfortunate that desperation is a necessary condition for motivating me. Up to my eyeballs in self-centered, self-absorbed pride (for that is what doing my own thing is), I came to the end of my natural self. I do believe I have attended my own white funeral. That is the difference.

For years now I have kept back the one thing that delineates a follower from a disciple--my right to self. Oh, it was there in the beginning. I am Yours, Lord. Have Your way. Use me up. Then life happened, and I got tangled up in the razor wire of complacency and comfort. I began to grow invisible. While I was doing no obvious damage to the Kingdom, I was not building into it either. "Whoever isn't with me is against me. Whoever doesn't gather with me scatters" (Luke 11:23). The enemy is far more powerful and clever than I can handle on my own, and it was folly to deceive myself into thinking that while I was in the camp of doing my own thing, I would be safe. O, little lamb, you are not only weak and foolish, you are in mortal danger!

I don't believe it would've taken so long to come to this place if I hadn't added one particular exemption to my earnest request for deliverance from my self. I would pray, " Lord, make me desperate for You. Bring me to that place where I want You more than a drowning man wants air. But please don't let it cost me anyone dear." Always, I would ask for the whole enchilada and to have it as cheaply as possible. The banged-up, chipping, tawdry, plastic baubles I'd clung to and enjoyed privately seemed too precious to exchange for only a promise of real diamonds and pearls. Maybe later, I would say. I'm just not ready yet.

The thrill of overcoming temptation-that-had-become-habit the first time was exhilarating and encouraging. It's what inspired me to do it again a second time. On the brink of another setback, He asked me, "What is something you would just love?" I thought, and remembered that going to Israel is the one thing I'd wanted all my adult life--and I'd done that. The only thing I'd love is go back and do it again. I heard Him in my spirit say, "Let's go on an Adventure. I'll take you to Israel."

I'm all over the spiritual connotations of that! Israel, the apple of God's eye. Israel--God's people--the bride of Christ. Israel, occupied of and by God. Israel, the confluence of man and God. Israel, earthly home to the One who thought the universe alive. Israel, the beloved, unfaithful whore. Israel, land of promise and destiny, of the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ.

My response was physical. I smiled, my stomach did a hand spring, and I felt a rush of Joy. Yes, Lord, for this I would exchange my baubles! Yes, I'll do it!

Immediately, I was ambushed by legitimate arguments and rational fears. I've failed at this a thousand times before. What was so different about this time? Sure, you say Yes now, but what about crunch time? What then? Who will you run to in the need of the moment, especially when you know how comfortable this is because it works? This really isn't so bad. Maybe this spring...

A rush of verses, recent encouragements, and thought-provokers rallied me:

1. If you gotta start somewhere, why not here?! If you gotta start sometime, why not now?!
2. My God will supply all your needs, according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus!
3. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord Your God will be with you wherever you go!
4. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ!
5. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me!
6. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!
7. I am willing to be identified with Your death so that I may sacrifice my life to God!
8. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds!
9. We only have this time on earth to affect the kingdom in the next life!
10. We only have this dot of time to establish how we will reign with Christ!
11. All will come before the Judgment Seat of Christ!
12. This body of sin is not the real me! I am crucified with Christ!
13. Be still and know that I am God!
14. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart!
15. We have to go through an experience where our energies are brought to an end, where the strength of the flesh is buried in Jordan, and where we can only go on because we discover the power of His resurrection!
    

This is Day 3 of Vita Nova. Sounds puny, even pathetic, but it's a big deal in my world. There have been no new days at all for such a very long, sad time--"always winter but never Christmas." *

While I know I will stumble again, I combat the habit of future tripping and considering whole, great chunks of time. In keeping with my personality, I can manage a few small patches (why I have only a few raised beds in a wee, Hobbit-ish garden). Like a recovering addict, I look only to one day at a time and resist the urge to fall back into Eeyore-ism. The image of Him driving is a calming, comforting thing, even though I don't know exactly how we're going to get where we're going, but I am banking on His goodness. He is the gentlest Person I have ever known, and I do not want to leave this place.

He holds me tenderly and swaddled, and I nuzzle into the crook of His neck. I am restful, and He is plenty Enough.

...~*~...~*~...~*~...~*~...~*~...~*~...~*~...

1) "City on Our Knees," by TobyMac
2) Phil. 4:19
3) Joshua 1:9
4) 2 Cor. 10:5
5) Psalm 18:19
6) 2 Cor. 3:17
7) Oswald Chambers, January 8
8) 2 Cor. 10:4
9) Andy Fox
10) Earl Nash
11) 2 Cor. 5:10
12) Colossians 3:3 and Galatians 2:20
13) Psalm 46:10 14) Proverbs 3:5
15) The Power of His Resurrection, T. A. Sparks, p. 54

* Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis

My Master

Texas Meets the Pacific Northwest

We picked up Brett and Lydia at the airport on December 23. Brett was all smiles, but poor Lydia looked just short of a seizure, a stricken look on her face and tottering steps as she managed herself on slick and unfamiliar snow. She looked totally unsure of herself--which only further endeared her to me for all her humility and concern. What a gem. I hugged her for all I was worth, beaming with satisfaction at finally holding this lovely soul who'd captivated my Brett. When I finally let go, she exhaled in the sweet relief of that much anticipated First Meeting. Nice for it be over, I'm sure. I so wanted her to know in her deeps how very welcome she was, just as Kev's mom did for me at my own First Meeting.

She quickly fell in step with our family beat and was my favorite child for the week as she anticipated needs and met them without being asked. With her rich theatrical background, her expressiveness and colorful conversation were interesting, informative, and engaging. When I first heard her sing, it was so soft and haunting that it brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful voice... She also plays guitar and piano and knits like nobody's business! (I even hired her to knit a scarf for Zeb.)

The kids played board games, card games, head games (jk!), and got to know one another in the process. We had a bonfire one night, went for a long hike in the woods, and saw Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The two of them explored a little of Spokane and enjoyed a horseback ride. Well, it was enjoyable after she managed to stay on when my horse took off downhill early on! She taught Jylle how to knit, but somehow I let that opportunity slip through my hands. *sigh* She left me some lovely rust-colored yarn and cute wooden needles though, so I'll have to check out the knitting sites she left for Jylle.

Brett was distracted the morning they left as he considered that he might have to leave without the stand-in ring** he was anxiously awaiting for her from the post office. It arrived indeed, however, so we picked it up in Valley with Brett trying to keep the smile from wrapping around his head eight times. We drove straight to my parents' house so they could exchange a five-minute goodbye, and then we dropped them off at the airport. Kev thought Brett was so excited that he might propose on the plane instead of waiting until that evening!

At the New Year's Eve party that evening, we got a phone call from them announcing their engagement. Ryan was the only one they could reach, so after telling him, he handed the phone to me and wide-eyed, said, "It's Brett." I looked at him, and he nodded and said, "Uh huh!" We had two messages from them when we got home, both of them sounding so happy that I could hear them smiling!

He proposed on a high hill (a mountain by Texas standards, I hear) close to midnight. She nodded 'Yes' vigorously with tears sparkling in her eyes. He originally thought of doing it in front of a bunch of her friends because she's so social, but there was no party, so he opted for Plan B. A deliriously joyful young couple in front of God and a sky no nighttime could darken, I like to think the heavens sang in celebration of what will certainly be one Happily Ever After.

Thank You, Lord...


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**The official one is in the process of being made.

First Annual Crae Bon Rye

As Ryan thought about what memories we all hold near and dear, he realized that experiencing something fun together tops the list. As a result, he decided to buy Dungeness crab for everyone.

The name came about via plays on words that built on one another, finalizing in what's pronounced in a Frenchish or Cajunish manner, originating from "Crab on Ry" to what is now "Crae Bon Rye." He rounded out the meal with clams, shrimp, and lobster tails. I made homemade rice-a-roni and salad, and Jamara made Heath cookies and brought loads of sparkling cider.

Ryan and Zeb ran the show from the deck with the turkey fryer brimming with seafood (in water, not oil). We had ramekins of butter, Lydia made her special shrimp sauce, and Kev set us up with hammers, nutcrackers, and cutting boards. Lydia was smart enough to cover the table with newspaper first. All nine of us claimed a crab, and there were still leftovers of everything but clams and cider.










When you look at these pictures, hear nonstop conversation, laughter certainly, hammering, cracking, tapping, clinking, the deck door opening and closing, muffled side convos--and then picture my heart seams at their most grateful. elastic. edge...

Lyrics "Fah Who Foraze"

These are the lyrics to the Glee version of "Fah Who For-aze."

Fah who for-aze, dah hoo dor-aze,
Welcome Christmas, come this way
Fah who for-aze, dah hoo dor-aze,
Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day

Welcome, welcome, fah who rah-moose
Welcome, welcome, dah who dah-moose
Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp

Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze,
Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer
Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze
Welcome all Whos far and near

Welcome Christmas fah who rah-moose
Welcome Christmas dah who dah-moose
Christmastime will always be
Just as long as we have glee

Fah who for-aze, dah who dor-aze,
Welcome Christmas, bring your light
Ooooooo…..

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In the animated movie, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," the Whos say "just as long as we have we," instead of "glee." They also sing this additional verse:

Welcome Christmas
Fah who rah-moose!
Welcome Christmas
Dah who dah-moose!

Welcome Christmas
While we stand
Heart to heart
And hand in hand

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome welcome
Christmas, Christmas Day

A Fox Visit

Stephanie and Beans came over the other day. It's the second time in three months, which isn't a bad start. We thought we might try to make it once/month because in Stephanie's words, "We are. so. bored!" With Josiah in school now, there's less excitement in the house and maybe more time for a visit like this. It's a wonderful time for me, and I just love it because I never get to see them on Sundays anymore.

A latté is always on the agenda. I made a caramel macchiato for her, she was thrilled to know I made homemade caramel and asked for the recipe (thank you, Glenice =). She brought scones the first time, white chocolate and cranberry--eeyum. This time I made an apple coffee cake with biscuits, grated apple, and lots of butter. Turned out that it could've used a lot more. Or a glaze. Or something. Bummer. She was very gracious though and ate what I served her. It was very kind. Beans is always happy with apples and cheese.

I love how she'll come sit on my lap and just "be." She lets me hug her tight and kiss her sweet, sweet head and cheeks. She is so delicious! In a small and polite voice, her eyes darting between mine and the floor, she asked, "Can I play with some Legos?" No problem. You want the moon and the stars? I'll get those for you too, you adorable, precious, tiny angel girl!

As she bent over the toys I fetched for her, she'd swipe the hair out of her little face. Stephanie asked if I knew how to braid. Like nobody's business! I proceeded to dampen her hair and find some small bands. I set her on the counter and let her play with some toys while I set to work. She let me finish with little squirming, and then we took these pictures to mark the occasion. Our hope was that she would let her mama do that without the usual fuss about "the dreaded comb." Again in that small voice, almost to herself, she said, "I don't like combs."

People tell me I'll absolutely LOVE having grandchildren. I probably will since I absolutely loved having children, and I understand that's the harder job. Until that blessed day, I am perfectly content loving on Beans, who fills my heart with so much joy and love that I'm moved to tears.

Thank You for this precious family who open arm us into their lives. Thank You... xoxo

It's Not Even Winter Yet...

Winter does not start until the 21st of December--correct me if I'm wrong. While I find a winter wonderland truly breath-taking and awe-inspiring, snow is one of those things that's exciting and welcome for about 48 hours. Then you have to drive in it, shovel it, plow it, trudge through it, get ready for the next dumping, and all other manner of business. I'm generally a Grinch about it unless I'm sitting in the warmth of my cozy little home, which fortunately, I get to do a LOT.

I know I have no right to complain, but this is my place to vent as well as praise and process, so I'm exerting privilege. I shall confess and repent later. Then I'll sip a peppermint mocha and hit the play button on my Christmas playlist as I check tomorrow's forecast.

The Backyard

My Snowy Sahib

Just somethin' sorry-lookin' about this...

The corral takes on definition and outline in this stuff.

Snowy, but you're still welcome...
(Beware of the attack cat.)

What it looks like coming back home

Handsome backyard visitor