anxious

I'm anxious. I'm breaking out like mad--those great huge volcanic kind. Anxious about:

- having to go to Kelowna
- eBay nonpayments
- doing stuff wrong
- pending expenses
- Kev's temperament (more easily angered)
- my weight

Lord, help me to look at these things and see not truly anxiety causing circumstances, but as opportunities to run to You. I can take every thought captive to Your obedience if I just remember to. THANK YOU that these are not truly big things. Thank You that they are the biggest things in my life right now. I know it won't always be this way, but I won't future trip. I want to stay in the Now-here... it's the only place I experience You, and it's the absolute best place in the universe. XO

powered by performancing firefox

the vertical factor

A friend of mine just had her myspace page hacked. Her picture & name were changed, and so many of her friends were deleted. I deleted her myself. Some friends expressed disappointment in her. She's fighting back tears trying to get her friends back and slogging through this mess created by some wicked jerk.

That happens in life. You're minding your own business, doing what you do, then WHACK!!! Someone t-bones you. You didn't make a mistake, you didn't ask for it, but there it is--a mangled, mixed-up mess caused by someone else. You're a victim of someone's attempt to lie, steal, and destroy.

That sounds familiar.

While it's a common occurrence to have bad things happen to us that aren't our fault, the common reaction is to fix our eyes horizontally on the offender or the circumstances. That's where we leap off the path and start doing it all wrong. Tit for tat, eye for an eye--reactions of the flesh. Few of us have acquired the godly habit of seeing with supernatural focus--the vertical factor.

The vertical factor is seeing things as having been allowed for our benefit. It's believing that they happen not in spite of His love for us, but because of it. Absolutely everything that happens in our lives is either caused by God or allowed. That's a BA chunk o' truth to swallow if you've never considered it before, and it's thrown even committed believers into tailspins.

The Psalmist says, "All things are Thy servants."  I read that years ago and I'm still working my li'l brain around it.

So Lord, You're telling me that it was OKAY with You that I was victimized? it was OKAY with You that this guy got away with that? it was OKAY with You that my life's a wreck now? That's OKAY with You...?!

[... pause ...]

My Son was victimized. You're my child too...
He didn't get away. I know exactly what to do with him.
You only think your life is a wreck. I'm in the renewal business.
This is not only okay with Me, I'm going to use it in such a grand way that it'll blow your mind!

We have conversations like this all the time. He is verrrry patient with me.

Okay, let's review:

I'm a victim on the horizontal scale. I'm in a grand design on the vertical.
I'm not okay under the circumstances horizontally. I'm a player in a grand design on the vertical.
He's clearly getting away with this on the horizontal. He is soooo not getting away with this on the vertical.
See horizontally, see the earth flat. See vertically, see Heaven on earth.

powered by performancing firefox

mine not the gift of criticism

It's one of the most difficult things to do, to tell someone what you don't like about her. It's not like criticism is my spiritual gift and I should go around exercising it.

But there's a girl on this Christian station who's announcing the news now, and she's just not very good. I start my day with this station, but when I hear her come on, I change the channel. She sounds like someone off the street trying to read a script, mispronouncing names, struggling with the rhythm of the sentence. And it's very distracting. I don't know if it's just me, but I can't hear the content if it's colored by that amateur of degree.

So I'm moved to tell the station that I regard her work as substandard and less than the professional quality I'm used to AND still maintain a sense of saying it in love. I want my words to be void of arrogance. Easy for some--for for me, not so much. Having been on the receiving end of criticism makes a sensible person less prone to invoking the scepter of criticism.

Lord, pleeease let me be truthful but gentle...

powered by performancing firefox

some habits need lipo

Most days my habits are rather irrelevant. They're like the paint on the walls--I don't notice them until a streak or a blotch catches my attention. Then I'm like, "Where'd THAT come from?!"

One of the best ways to find out what your habits are is to have a kid. They imitate like apes, and when you see yourself in that particular habit you find annoying in your child, it's like a fist to the feet. (Have you ever been hit on your feet? It REALLY hurts, and you never forget the circumstances of it, like EVER.)

"I hate that!" That's the first bad habit I picked up on when I heard it coming out of my daughter's mouth. She wasn't even two, and she was blurting out this comment a LOT. Being less like Sherlock and more like Watson, I didn't realize it was MY common statement until days later when I blurted it out. *WHAP!*

Another one was cutting people off, not letting them finish what they're saying because I'm so anxious for them to hear my profound, so very important thoughts. I picked up on this by its very absence in a close friend. I realized that she never, never, EVER interrupted people, but always let them finish their words, no matter how long it took or how very unimportant it seemed to be. Her kindness and patience were like colored flowers in a black and white picture. My interruptions, on the other hand, were like old dried out weeds--nothin' but death and noxious seeds.

While some habits aren't bad, like leaving your keys in the same place or saying thank you and please, others lack the life and encouragement I long to pour into others' lives. I'm thankful for eyes to see and ears to hear. I pray for the courage to bite the bullet when it's appropriate and allow the scalpel to lipo the excess that's unhealthy and unbeautiful for both me and the precious soul next soul I connect with...

my Uncle Al

I gathered the letters I’d saved from Uncle Al and put them in chronological order, then tied a green ribbon around them and set them on the raised counter. Pity that the earliest one I have is from 2000, unless there are others in places yet unknown or unremembered. The last is postmarked May. I must not have saved the rest. It’s only in hindsight that I realize how I might have saved them and been comforted and cheered by his words and warmth toward us. But it’s too late. I would’ve loved to have spoken to him one last time, tell him how much I love him and am grateful for his unconditional love for us, to have seen him one last time and gotten one of those enormous hugs. Kev wanted to call him on his birthday, but I didn’t want to. What a fool! Kev doesn’t insist on things like that unless there’s some good reason, a reason he probably didn’t want to share with me at the time and maybe didn’t even recognize.

Too late—two of the saddest words ever put together… Lord, I’ve wasted so much time, left great voids of zero and worthlessness in my path. Help me to love the simple things in life like Uncle Al did and to treasure family and friends and the time You grant us here. He wouldn’t want me to kick myself this way. He’d want me to say a kind word to someone, hug my kids, hold hands with Kev, to be happy and thankful. And perhaps think of him sometime in the warming colors of a fall aspen, cherish family and friends, and to raise a glass to Life…

Lord, my God, thank You for my Uncle Al. He always remembered our birthdays, our anniversary, all the holidays. He sent us real Wisconsin cheese on a regular basis. It was more than the cheese that I loved. It was the tremendous love & joy behind it. Thank You for his life, for his love for us, his love of laughter, and his zest for the simple things in life. Thank You for his consistent encouragement and the power of his generosity and thoughtfulness.

Wow, I couldn’t go on. Had a little unscheduled meltdown right there… The sound of my own sobs even sound unreal.

Day to myself

Day to myself, yea! Water guys just left. Kev keeps calling. I don’t like that, but it’s opportunity to die, right? Make me LIVE, Daddy, really LIVE. I don’t give You the chance to rise up and be LIFE. I manage life all by myself. It’s a barren, lifeless existence, but I stay there, supering my own days. When will I get sick enough of it all to change? The speaker at the youth conference Ryan went to said that sacrifice is giving up something in order to get a reward of greater value later and that you need to get to a point of desperation before you’re willing to sacrifice. Desperation is a pretty scary place to think of going. I keep asking for tenderness from You and to keep things just between You&me. That’s not such a desperate-sounding place.

What are you doing today?

• Q. What are you doing today?

1. I am:

• capitalizing on the leisure of this day.

o contemplating the sanctuary of that place of Him&me.

o examining my blessings.

o considering how I can bless someone else today.

o wondering at His love for me.

o asking Him to bring me to Life and to see His holiness. I want to be better than I am today. WAY better. But that’s another thread…

o listening to my new Bebo Norman cd.

o waiting for the phone calls & cards that will come (Bettie Boo…?)

o thanking Him for truly wonder-full family & friends.

o learning how to operate my new digital camera.

o rereading my birthday cards.

o reflecting on Kev's love & devotion as similar to my Abba’s.

o wishing him a very good day.

o wanting our water situation and NOW dryer fixed.

o praying for the ones He brings to mind.

o trying not to think of myself selfishly, to live in humility.

o thinking of Paula as she undergoes back surgery & remembering that today is her birthday as well.

o drinking in the faces of my children in their pictures on the stair wall, one current, one when they were little.

o enjoying the quiet, the view, the freedom.

o eager for the thing that will move me into the lane where I am journeying rightly rather than the wrongly way of now.

o letting the dogs come in the house just because.

o playing the good tapes in my mind.

o eating & drinking what sounds good (e.g., chicken salad & a vanilla latté with caramel sauce).

o puzzling over my obstinacy & dull vision.

o psyching up for work tomorrow, followed by 2 days of watching li’l Josiah.

o watching expectantly for God-hugs.

o trusting Kathy’s vacation this week is both fabulous & relaxing

o having fun with fonts by inventing names of businesses with fonts that reflect that industry, in the in between time as I compose this.

o wondering if Tina will call so I can read her this list because for once, I am ready for this question.

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

2-Day Anniversary

This is my 2-day anniversary.

Had a hard day on Tue. Struggled and strained and prayed off & on all day. Didn’t want to talk, which probably made it no fun for Kev when we all went to town, but I just didn’t want to talk. Everything I was thinking about and feeling all made me feel bad, and to voice it out loud and hash it out made me want to throw up. So I just kept quiet and mulled things over myself. Sometimes I wouldn’t be thinking of anything, just sort of a brown-out in my brain. By the time evening came, I was ready to go to bed by 10, and with NO sleep aid.

Found out from Joan yesterday that Tue. was a high holy day for Muslims. Her own kids had a real hard day. She herself woke up feeling an oppression and couldn’t figure out why she was so depressed, so concerned, and couldn’t shake the oppression in the air. She & Mike had a big, long talk about things, but she said she must’ve prayed 100 times that day. When she told me this, it was like a personal arrow with a message to my heart. Not only had I come through that day with NO anesthetic, but Kev & I had no fights, none of us were at each other’s throats… y’know, some of the typical stuff that happens on a full moon. My God is ALL-POWERFUL!!! The enemies of our souls at work like a Superbowl event to uproot, confuse, disengage, apathize (my word), and otherwise wimp out, wipe out, and whack out the beloved of the God of Jesus. And to no avail!!! HALLELUJAH!!! Thank You, Jesus!!! Praise You, Abba Father!!!

Today I am still not the happy girl I was five years ago, but that’s all right because I know I don’t belong here. This place is not my home. But I belong to One whose Power and Love are not only bigger than the devil’s greatest plans, but small enough to touch my heart in a personal and tender way. He speaks to me in my love language and bends like a gentle giant to love on me right where I am.

I might be discouraged about my health, but there are better things to dwell on now. Psalm 37:4 – “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” The New Century Version says, “Enjoy serving the Lord, and he will give you what you want.”

Daddy, I want You. I want to know You and the power of Your resurrection—and as You will it and supply the grace to endure it—the fellowship of Your sufferings.

I am melancholy most of the time. Please direct my thoughts to someone other than ME. I am mindful that You will ask me one day, “Did you love the ones I gave you?” And I so want to be able to answer, “Yes. You helped me and reminded me and gave me the tools and the grace, so yes, I loved the ones you gave me.”

I think of Anita, who has no regrets looking back on raising her kids. She gave everything and determined to do her best with the ones you gave her.

I think of Sandy & Dan who were just graduating their third and last child from high school last year when You asked them to adopt two 5 & 6 yr old sisters. They said Yes.

I think of Joan who has the thorn of diabetes and is the victim of an unhealthy weight because of it. You asked her to love the ones You put in her path, and Lord, I have seen her do that with such embrace & experienced it from her that I am never mindful of her weight when I’m with her, but instead I enjoy the fragrance of Christ and the grace of being seen for who I will be and not what I am right now.

I think of my Ya-Yas who have been there for me these past 6 or 7 years--I can’t even remember. They’ve seen me at my worst, hoped for my best, lavished me with all their various kindnesses, and refused to let any of us resign as Ya-Yas.

Lord, thank You for Your faithful ones. They provide inspiration and example for me and who knows how many others...

…~*~…~*~…~*~…~*~…~*~…

Come to think of it, as I come to know the likes and dislikes of my closest friends, I consider that if they don’t like, say, a lack of eagerness in Christians to tell others about the Gospel, then since I’m that way, they don’t like that about me, and I am diminished in their eyes. That makes me want to hold back, to keep quiet about who I really am because they already don’t like that about me so I try not to give them anything more.

See how much I NEED You to direct my thoughts to someone besides ME?!

This study we’re doing on Inside Out encourages us to step out of that sin of self-protection and enter into the risk that You have allowed to come to us, for the purpose of exchanging real Life, something he calls Soul Talk. I know Cheryl is the biggest cheerleader of this study. She not only yearns for our time of being together, but the material itself is of such import because it is the message You were trying to speak to her those eight or so years ago (but she ran in fear). Lord, remind me to enter into the risk of what You allow, to be inspired by her return to you. XO

my bigg badd Friend

Does it seem to anyone else that so often the thing in my life where I start feeling I'm making some headway is the very next thing that gets criticized or put down...? I know someone out there has it in for me and knows just where to strike. Fortunately, I have a bigg badd friend Who only lets the bad stuff go so far. Thanks, Daddy. I know You're here... or there... well, everywhere, and You've got my back. Well, and my front and my sides and my INsides... Anyway, thank You for yesterday. You were all over us.